


Collide

by bapplejack



Series: you're a never ending song in my soul [1]
Category: Elyza Lex (Fanverse), Multi-Fandom, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Some Humor, Violence, also lots of swearing, lexark, lots of sass and gay thoughts, mentions of abuse, people are pretty awful to kids, sort of fluff??, there are bad people who say some very not nice & threatening things, well i try to be funny anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-05-27 00:04:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6261226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bapplejack/pseuds/bapplejack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alicia is "coincidentally" thrown into her soulmate, Elyza. (Thanks Reality™ for doing homegirl a solid.)</p>
<p>Unfortunately the world's ended, there's cannibal corpses jaywalking, and she's kind of over SpaghettiOs for breakfast.</p>
<p>Together they wander the California sort-of-kind-of-wasteland to find something better. Does that exist? The hope is nice, but it's a bummer that the metaphorical road to "something better" is occupied by some not-so-nice people. Some of them have chainsaws. (The chainsaws are Not Metaphorical.) It's mostly two teenage girls being really gay and angsty together hidden behind a thinly veiled plot.</p>
<p>tl;dr Another darn diddly lexark fic w/ soulmate aspects.</p>
<p>
  <b>(on a hiatus atm b/c i am slow and need to write more)</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. make a mess of me again

_This was not how she imagined her day would go._

Here she was, sitting in an abandoned store and across the way from her, not even ten feet away, was a woman casually plucking away at a ukulele. Her eyes were closed and there was a peaceful smile that Alicia had quickly learned her companion could quickly and easily shift into a cocky, irritating ~~nopenotsexyatall~~ smirk when she looked towards the brunette. 

“Why are you staring at me?” the blonde asked.

_Because despite the fact you’re a little dirty–I mean we all kind of are, one of the perks of the world ending is a saddening lack of showers–and you got weird paint on your face, I can’t help but notice you’re kind-of-definitely beautiful? Oh, yeah. The black paint brings out your blue eyes, and I can’t stop staring because even though there is a high probability we will die right now, I feel pretty fucking peaceful._

_Holy shit stupid, say something. Anything. You’re gawking._

“You got a little something on your face.” Alicia smirked back, gesturing vaguely at her entire face.

“Oh yeah? Thanks.” She reached towards her face with three fingers, rubbing lightly at some dirt on her cheek while slowly lowering her ring and index finger until just the one was directed towards the brunette. “Did I get it?” She grinned.

 _Nope, not gonna smile. Not gonna smile– "_ Dick," and unable to hold back the glee building up inside her, her face broke out in a grin as well and she laughed.

The blonde giggled alongside her, and the teenager hadn’t realized there was anything left in the world that could still conjure that bright, all-consuming happiness in her chest.

_How the fuck did she get here?_

Alicia supposed it started with a bad decision, eventually chaining one to another and another, until you were either dead or in a shitty situation. But wasn’t that just how it was when it was the end of the world? 

She needed to get some air and needed some _actual_  time alone, so while her family had taken a pause in their journey, she excused herself–not without protest from her mother, of course.

_Mom, it’ll be fine. There’s nothing fu–nothing. Nothing out here. Take a look around at this expansive nothingness. I’m just going for a walk. I’ll be back._

And with that, she walked off as quickly as possible, the sound of her music drowning out her mother’s words the further away she got.

This entire situation was overwhelming, and while she loved her family _they were such a pain in the ass_. If living with them everyday pre-the-world-going-to-utter-shit wasn’t enough with the day-to-day bickering, she basically wanted to brain herself now that they were all stuck together to just _survive._  No real solitude. No real time to just be by herself and _think–_ or  _not even think_. Just having _peaceful moments alone._  (Or well, before it would’ve been peaceful moments with Matt, but any time intrusive thoughts of her… ex-boyfriend came to the surface, she swallowed thickly and pushed them away, refusing to imagine his sweet face being distorted into one of these terrifying creatures. The last thing she wanted was to _cry_  in front of her family.)

So Alicia walked, her thoughts being carried away by the music. Her feet automatically carried her, and her only purposeful action was occasionally checking her surroundings to make sure she wasn’t about to bump into a walker. 

When the last song ended, she looked up and paused the music. Around her were brick buildings of various sizes, abandoned cars parked by the sidewalks, and various pieces of debris that always seemed to be the standard decor for hauntingly empty downtown areas of cities everywhere. _How very dystopian chic._

Checking the time on her phone–and noting the battery was at 49%–a little more than half an hour had passed. 

_Oh shit. Mom’s going to be pissed._

Stashing the phone in her jacket pocket, Alicia began to power walk down the sidewalk before abruptly stopping at the corner and looking left, right and backwards with wide eyes. 

_…Fuck me. Which way did I come from?_

Panic rising in her chest, she sprinted down the street that _seemed_  the most familiar before chancing a left turn and realizing she didn’t recognize those buildings at all. She turned around, tearing down each sidewalk, desperately hoping a building, a street sign, or just _fucking something_ , would spark her memory so she could return to her family. 

Every now and then, she’d pass by a walker but as slow as those things were, her concern for them was at a minimum.

Until Alicia turned the next corner.

But in her defense, while she arrived to this moment through a series of bad decisions on her part, this was just ultimately shitty, fucking awful, rolling three doubles consecutively in Monopoly bad luck. 

In front of her was a much-larger-than-she-would’ve-liked conglomerate of stumbling, uncoordinated mess of walkers heading her direction. The group was wide enough to stretch across the street from sidewalk-to-sidewalk, and the mass of decaying flesh and monstrous growls seemed to consume each area they stepped towards.

If she wasn’t trying to fight down the overwhelming rush of fear and adrenaline now flooding her body, Alicia would be regretting the past forty five minutes of her life and kicking a couple cars. Maybe later.

But for now, she ran. Never mind the fact she’d been running the past ten minutes and her lungs were already burning, and her terror, and racing thoughts– _where do I go what do I do oh God have they seen me yet_ –dampened her coordination. She almost tripped on a slightly misshapen piece of sidewalk and ate concrete, but she was “lucky” enough to only stumble slightly before continuing to Get the Fuck Away.

As fast as she was going, a hand shot out from the alleyway she ran by and dragged her in, the force of both their actions ended with Alicia colliding and crashing onto the person. Before she could scream in surprise, a hand shot up to her mouth and covered it.

“Don’t fucking even–if you drag their attention here I fucking swear I would not hesitate to use you as a distraction so I can get the fuck away.” Despite the harshness of the words themselves, there was a certain lightness to her savior’s tone that implied she was joking.

She hoped, anyway.

“Come on, let’s go before the herd sees us.” The woman with the Australian accent quickly got onto her own feet and dragged Alicia to hers, before forcefully pulling her down the alleyway.

The brunette was still dazed from the chain of events that occurred within the past minute, and so she followed the blonde dumbly, staring at the back of her head. The back of her beautiful fucking hair that seemed to glow despite the occasionally patches of dirt and dust that pretty much covered everything these days. 

Alicia hadn’t realized how quickly her heart was beating, and how she was choked up by breathlessness.

She was still shocked to the core by the encounter, and she was sure if she stood still she’d be wobbly and shaking. Part of it was the terrifying situation she’d escaped from, but it wasn’t the nightmarish imagery of walkers behind her that was etched in her brain.

It was the flash of bright blue eyes that met hers directly and pierced her soul. And despite the woman’s brow furrowing while she warned/threatened Alicia, there was something deeper in her expression. There was a dancing, playfulness that she pinpointed at the center of the blonde’s emotions, and she couldn’t help but be drawn towards that. She couldn’t help but feel _protective_  of that–like that light was meant for _her._  Once again, her feet were moving automatically, but they were being guided by more than just the woman–it was as if a greater force drew Alicia towards her.

_No. You’re just not thinking straight._

Right. She was still in shock. Her mind was just churning out random bullshit that didn’t make sense at this point. 

~~_but why did every particle of her being seem to reject that idea_ ~~

Her savior turned around a few more corners, leading them further and further away from the herd with each step. Eventually she led Alicia into a small, indoor shopping plaza. There were several shops on the left and right, and stairs that led upwards to supposedly more stores.

Everything was in as much disarray as the rest of the world, but there was a surprising lack of _corpses_. 

“Come on. Up here.” The blonde gestured for Alicia to follow her up the stairs. Her eyes trailed down to her other hand, which she just noticed was carrying a shotgun. “We’re safe from the herd for now, but they’ll make their way over here. We just gotta wait it out. They’ll leave us alone if they don’t have a reason to come in.”

By the time they got to the second floor, Alicia was aware and back in control of her senses and self. She glanced around the hallway, briefly checking out the store fronts as they passed by. A used bookstore, a record shop, several different kinds of little offices, a couple small restaurants–but eventually they headed into a convenience store. 

Shit was _all over_  the floor. Glass, boxes of cereal and food that had fallen to the floor, shelves that were knocked over…

“Nice place you got here,” Alicia deadpanned automatically. Of course, the _snark processor_  portion of her brain was the first to establish itself.

“Hey princess, you are more than welcome to head back to your castle outside. You know, the one that consists of asphalt, corpses, and no protection from the walkers?” The tone of her words were teasing, but she still looked back and smirked at Alicia. Who in turn reflexively decided to snapshot that beautiful asshole face into a memory that she was going to frame in her mind living room forever.

_God, what is wrong with you?_

“Why go through all the trouble of saving me if you’re willing to just let me go?” 

She shrugged, before she sat down beside the back wall of the store. “I’m not gonna make people do shit they don’t wanna. I saved you, but it’s still your life. Do what you want with it.” Beside her was a pile of miscellaneous crap–clothes, books, some pencils, a skateboard, more guns, and a _ukulele?_ She picked it up and began to play a soft song.

Alicia’s smartass responses were stalled as she sat across the woman and stared in awe. Her eyes darted around her figure and took in every detail, from the rips in her jeans to the scuff marks on her boots, and _God of course she was wearing a leather jacket._ Because why the fuck not? She probably raided a store down the street–”The Gap for Badass Beautiful Women. Sale on Combat Boots, so you can look great while you step on me.”

But her _face_  was what got her. It was covered in some kind of charcoal or paint or whatever that masked the majority of her face, but she could _tell._ Somehow she just knew at the core of her being how soft her skin was, how it felt under the palm of her hand, and she could clearly envision the taste of her li– _stop._

She tried. She _really did._  Alicia tried to direct her eyes towards the floor and keep them there, while she nervously played with the hem of her shirt and twirled the cord of her earphones around her finger. But without fail, her eyes would be drawn back towards the stranger’s face. Her mind would full stop and thoughts of _moving to sit next to her_  and _touching her face_  would drift into her head and then she’d once more stare holes into the floor tiles, hoping the woman wouldn’t see her sheepish face, or how red her cheeks were getting.

And that’s how a series of bad decisions led to a not-so-great situation, and yet Alicia felt completely at ease, probably because she was a calm, capable, almost-adult, and not because she was smitten and or in-love with someone she’d met maybe half an hour ago. Thirty five minutes tops.

After their giggling fit, the woman’s face relaxed into an eased smile, and Alicia’s own matched her expression.

Her fingers were ready to begin plucking again, but before that she took a deep breath.

Despite herself, the brunette held her own breath, eagerly awaiting what she was going to say next. The ukulele was cute and great, but her _voice_  went in through her ears and straight to her heart. 

“…So anyway, here’s Wonderwall.”

But before she could even play a single note, Alicia reflexively reached for the closest thing near her–which was luckily an empty box of cereal–and chucked it as hard as she could at her head. “Stop. Fuck you.” Her words barely made it out of her mouth, her laughter choking her and leaving her breathless.

“Ow, what the fuck.” The blonde laughed as well, and it was hard to imagine that in this moment the world had gone to shit.

_Why does it feel so easy to be around her?_

Alicia took deep breaths and looked back towards the other woman, a big smile still on her face. “By the way, I’m Alicia.”

“Elyza.” She held out her hand, and the teenager eagerly accepted the invitation to move closer towards her, but purposefully paused a split-second so it wasn’t _too obvious._  She crawled over and took her hand, and the two young women met each other’s eyes with wide smiles.

Several seconds passed, and neither let go of the other’s hand. 

Alicia willed her heart to calm down, afraid that at the rate it was beating, the walkers outside would hear and fly through the windows to kill them all. Elyza’s hand radiated a warmth that soaked into her bones and filled her. A comforting warmth. A safe warmth.

She was safe with her.

The other woman suddenly jerked her hand away, and Alicia was left colder–but she could never be freezing in the presence of the other. 

Elyza looked away from her. “…So. Uh. Why are you walking around on your own here?”

 _Oh God did I freak her out?_  “I’m traveling with my family. I went out for a walk and…” _My feet just went where ever the fuck they wanted, and here I am._  The words _with you_  hung off the edge of her thoughts, but she didn’t dare entertain them, even if it echoed inside her soul. She cleared her throat and glanced off to the side as well. “What about you? Why were you walking around alone?”

Her shrug left her shoulder brushing briefly against Alicia’s, and she felt the heat going to her face again. 

“Surveying the area. Seeing if there’s anything I can scavenge. Seeing if there’s any people left.” Elyza nudged the brunette more fully, and when she looked up she was blessed with the sight of her ~~fuckingadorable~~ grin. “You’re pretty lucky I was around, huh? I never usually go out as far as where I found you, but I couldn’t find shit and I refuse to go back empty-handed.”

“Yeah, it was truly meant to be,” Alicia deadpanned, but as soon as the words were spoken, her heart almost exploded. She swallowed thickly, “So what? I’m your spoils for today’s adventure?” She cocked a brow at Elyza.

“Spoils? I’d rather say you’re my booty.” She cracked the joke without an ounce of shame, and waggled her eyebrows for emphasis.

“Oh my God. I’m so glad there are windows so I can jump out them into the welcoming embrace of the walkers and be saved from your terrible jokes.”

“Rude, I’m hilarious.”

“I bet you were pretty glad that the world ended, huh? You didn’t have to worry about your failing career as a comedian anymore.”

“Have you ever tried to _demoralize_  the walkers to death? A few perfectly placed witty insults and their heads just explode.” Elyza’s hands mimed an explosion and she quietly added, “ _Pow_.”

“I prefer to just run away and never see one again.” _I mean, it’s a good thing I’m completely unarmed and vulnerable, right? That’s how I got to meet you._

“Ah, that’ll be the day. But for now I get to put _Walker Vanquisher_  on my resume and this time it is _not_ an embellishment.” 

“ _This time_?” Alicia grinned.

“You know, you’re supposed to put a couple white lies here and there when you’re getting a job. Everybody does it.” Elyza grinned back.

_Her face is like. One foot away. I could totally kiss her. I’ll get black shit on my face. I’ll take one for the team._

“You planning to go back to your family after this?” The blonde’s words interrupted Alicia’s train of thought, and she blinked, her brain scrambling to gather itself after so suddenly being ripped from the fantasy.

“Uh. Yeah. They’re probably worried sick. My mom’s going to kill me.” She sighed into her hands. 

“You want me to help you get back to them?” 

The offer surprised the teenager, and she looked up blankly at Elyza. Elyza who was smiling sheepishly and looking like a big ol’ dork. A big ol’ adorable, fucking, kissable dork.

“I’d appreciate that, actually. I got lost and couldn’t figure out how to get back to the main road. But uh.” That actually reminded her. “Where’s your group? You can’t just be…” She couldn’t finish her sentence, because as soon as she had said _group_  Elyza’s face grew solemn. “Shit. Sorry. You don’t have to talk about it.”

She shook her head. “It’s fine. Long story short, shit got fucked. Now I’m just walking around the country, dicking around, having a good time.”

“Is trying to fight for your life and scavenging for supplies having a good time?” Alicia furrowed her brow.

“It can be alright. But you shouldn’t be so gloomy about life. Before everything happened it was true, but also now. Especially now. What’s the point of it all if you can’t be happy, you know? Find a way to turn this shitty situation into something happier. After all, shouldn’t life be about more than just surviving?”

Immediately it was as if time stopped, and a heavy silence filled the room. They each searched the other’s wides eyes looking for answers. The silence was choking Alicia, and a wave of deja vu washed over her. Her hand twitched as she resisted the reflex to just hold Elyza.

_What the fuck?_

They both blinked and snapped out of their trance.

“…Sorry. I got preachy.”

Alicia shook her head. “N…no. You’re right.” A pause. “Um. If you want… you can come with us,” she mumbled and shrugged. “Safety in numbers right? Besides, I’m sure they won’t mind since you saved my life and all. Great way to win brownie points with the fam.”

Elyza raised her brow. “Really? Are you sure that’s alright…?”

“Yeah,” she smiled.

“It’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning though…” She crawled over to the closest window and poked her head over the ledge. Alicia followed after, and did the same. More walkers were surrounding the area, and it would be impossible to get out now without being mobbed. “By then the area should be cleared out. Got any objections to a sleepover?”

The brunette glanced around. “…Is there booze in this place?”

“Aren’t you a little young?” She arched a brow.

“Oh okay, Officer Elyza,” she threw her hands up in the air. “Sorry for the underaged drinking. Add it to my rap sheet along with breaking and entering and damaging public property.” She rolled her eyes.

Elyza chuckled before crawling past Alicia to get to the back wall. She tried to contain a shiver when the other woman leaned closer, and the breath from her lips teased her ear.

“You know, the last time I had a sleepover with a pretty girl and she called me _officer_ , there were a lot more handcuffs involved and a lot less clothes.”

_God, this was going to be a long night._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> x-posted from my tumblr, b/c this is way easier to keep track of lol. hmu at bappykomclarkekru <3 thx for reading.


	2. it's not that i'm indecisive, or maybe it is. i can't catch all your cues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyza POV. This cool lady is not used to Feelings and it's even worse when you're hit with soulmate deja vu. What the heck is she supposed to do with these emotions?

The shuffling of feet and steady stream of mumbles and groans were white noise in the pervasive silence of the night. Moonlight filtered through the windows, illuminating patches of the store, but other than that they were literally in the dark. 

Elyza sat up, her eyes following a stream of light that hit the side of Alicia’s sleeping, peaceful face. She swallowed thickly, uncertain of the way her heart was pounding so rapidly and the sweat on her palms. It would be unsettling, if it didn’t feel so  _ right. _

A wave of nostalgia overcame her, and in the next moment, her hand was reaching out to brush back strands of the brunette’s hair. But when she was barely an inch away, she stopped short and her eyes widened.

_ What the fuck am I doing? _

Not even twelve hours have passed since they met, and yet here she was, completely and totally head-over-heels for this girl. Elyza would 110% be onboard with eloping and honeymooning for the rest of their lives, and that  _ was weird. _ (Besides, was marriage technically a thing anymore if there was no government?)

There was just  _ something _ about Alicia’s snappy responses, the curl of her half-smiling lips, and the arch of her brow with mischief written all over her lovely green eyes. She exuded an aura of  _ strength  _ and  _ stubbornness _ , and yet the blonde was compelled to protect her. But that was totally reasonable, wasn’t it? They looked to be around the same age, but the other young woman was completely unarmed. 

Why  _ wouldn’t _ she want to protect a defenseless ~~really beautiful~~  stranger? 

Elyza bit her lip, and her eyes danced around the features of Alicia’s face and even darted down her body, half-covered by a blanket-- _ God, how did her outfit look so on point when the world was fucked? _ \--but she quickly shifted them back towards her face, completely unable to handle  **_her legs._ **

_ Was it because she didn’t have wings? Was that why they had to give this angel heavenly legs? ~~and everything else~~ _

Her hovering hand began to tremble slightly. 

_ I’m not being creepy. This isn’t creepy, right? _

Biting her bottom lip, she finally reached out and gently tucked her hair behind her ear. And the hard part was over now! ...Or it would be, if the sudden imagery of laying next to her in bed and holding her tightly while they--slept? just finished fucking?--didn’t just blow down her mental defenses while she half-pushed them away, half-soaked in her gay fantasies. When she closed her eyes, the warmth of the orange sunlight was  _ so real _ against her skin, along with this  _ swag ass bed _ \--

But then Alicia began to stir, her eyes fluttering open. 

...And Elyza’s hand was still resting lightly against her hair.

Yelping, she pulled away and sat with her back straight up against the wall. Her eyes darted to the side, her expression absolutely matching the face of someone who was innocently watching their sleeping uh. Convenience store roommate? 

_ I am so glad she can’t see my face right now. _

“Nnh… Elyza?” Alicia mumbled sleepily as she propped herself up on one arm and rubbed her eyes.

_ Fuckin’ adorable. _

“U-uh…” She cleared her throat of the stutter. “Yeah? What’s up? Need me to hold your hand while you go to the bathroom?”

Even drowsy, the brunette managed a sharp look in her narrowed eyes. “No.”

“You can take a gun or something with you to the bathroom instead.” She grinned, purposefully ribbing at her.

“No--I don’t  _ need to use the bathroom _ .” She sighed and flopped back down onto her back, eyes rolling before she shut them once more. 

“Then what is it?” Alicia opened an eye to look towards Elyza. “You had a bad dream? Want me to cuddle up against you? I’ll protect you, sweetheart.” She winked.

The brunette groaned and hid her face in her palms. “You’re such a  _ jackass _ ,” she grumbled and turned onto her side so her back was towards the blonde. “Nevermind. Fuck you.”

As amusing as her constant grumpiness and sass was, there was a part of Elyza that was  _ actually _ kind of worried that Alicia was legitimately mad at her. 

_ Shit, should I say sorry? Nah, what if she’s just fucking with me. ...Okay, but what if she isn’t???  _

While she mentally debated with herself on something that was  _ more difficult than deciding what pancakes to get at Ihop _ , the brunette shifted once more, this time curling up on herself. 

_ Maybe she’s just cold. _ Automatically, that’s what Elyza rationalized the action as, because she  _ knew _ what it was. It was a willful, strong soul showing vulnerability in a brief, weary moment. Once all the distractions were gone, once your mind and body slowed down from all the adrenaline, once your mind caught up with real life… that’s when you think and dwell on your fears and anxieties. 

And  _ she didn’t know what she was supposed to do. _

Though Elyza hadn’t traveled alone from the start, her crew quickly deteriorated. She occasionally drifted by small groups, and while she might hang around for a few days, exchanging news and trading goods, she would eventually head back out on her own again.  

There was no one to console her, and no one for her to console. 

She moved on quickly, before any emotional attachments rooted her in place. It was better to be alone.

But Alicia was  _ different. _ That was something she believed in so deeply, like some kind of instinct she’d been born with, or maybe always had; some kind of  _ need _ that’s been in her DNA for millennia, or something that’d been passed to her through past lives. ~~No she wasn’t being overdramatic, damn it.~~

Hesitantly, Elyza scooted closer until she was only sitting a few inches away from Alicia. She lightly placed her hand on her shoulder, noticing how the brunette’s muscles grew taut at the contact.

Quietly, she spoke up, “Hey. I’m listening. Tell me.”

Several beats of silence passed before she sighed and turned onto her back. Her face wore a weary expression, but there seemed to be a fondness in her lovely green eyes.

_ Maybe I’m just being hopeful. _

“I wasn’t sleeping well. Just feels weird since we’re surrounded by them and all.” Alicia rolled over onto her side facing Elyza. “I don’t know how you sleep alone… You’re not scared?”

She shrugged. “Used to it.” The other girl’s face scrunched up at that, or maybe it was just a trick of the darkness? “You do what you have to do to survive, right?” the blonde grinned.

Silence hung in the air, but Alicia’s somber eyes were searching Elyza’s, and the longer she held her stare the more she was sucked in. Their familiarity entranced her, and yet there was a part of her mind that struggled to fill in the blanks.  _ Where have I seen those eyes before?  _ Why was she so certain of her own safety in her presence? She couldn’t shake the feeling that she could trust Alicia with  _ everything _ , and it was jarring--how could she be  _ this _ infatuated with someone?--and yet, there was no denying this strange serenity.

“...lyza?  _ Elyza _ ?” Alicia’s irritated, but tinged with worry words snapped her out of her trance.

“Huh?” she mumbled, blinking in confusion.

The brunette’s brow furrowed and she sat up, leaning towards Elyza; her eyes grew more intense, and it was everything the blonde could do to not get lost in them again. “Are you okay?”

“Uh. ...Yeah. Fine.” The other girl was stripping away her protective layers, leaving her core completely exposed. ~~Has this happened before?~~  Pushing away those thoughts of vulnerability, she suddenly smirked and tilted her head, their faces not even an inch apart. “If you wanna kiss, all you have to do is ask.” She moved to rest her forehead on Alicia’s, but not even a split second later the younger pulled back and narrowed her eyes at her.

“Whatever. You fuckin’ weirdo,” she mumbled and laid on the floor again. 

“You know what, that might have  _ sounded _ like an insult, but I know deep down you think I’m charming and want to take me out on a date,” Elyza mock?-preened.

Alicia scoffed. “I’m afraid of what a date with you would result in.”

“Whaaat? What does that mean?”

She arched a brow. “You were trouble before the dead started walking.”

“Ha! Like you weren’t? You are the pinnacle of what a bratty high schooler acts like,” the blonde grinned widely. “I bet you were skipping classes to hang out with your friends.” Though she didn’t respond, there was a flicker of recognition in her expression, and Elyza’s smile only grew more smug.

Alicia rolled her eyes. “And you didn’t? I’m sure you’ve done worse than that.”

“Maybe. I’ll never tell.”

“That’s  _ definitely _ a yes.”

She simply winked. “Besides, being a little rebellious doesn’t mean I can’t be  _ romantic _ \--”

“--Yeah, I’m worried about your  _ definition of romantic. _ ”

“I can totally be romantic! I make ladies swoon. I melt panties. Suburban housewives bored of their high school sweethearts  _ flock _ to me. I have a  _ fanclub of raving lesbians _ .” With each ridiculous addition, she was finally unable to hold back her chuckles.

But Alicia’s ~~adorable, how can anyone be so cute~~  giggles didn’t help much either. “You’re ridiculous,” she laughed, her words filled with affection.

Elyza was going to ignore how those words made her heart skip a beat. “All I’m saying, you would have a great time if I take you out on a date.”

“Oh yeah? How am I supposed to hold you accountable to that if the world’s ended?”

_ Whoa, wait what? That almost sounded like she was flirting back. _ “I’ll find a way,” she replied automatically, hoping her expression remained unfazed.

“Mmhmm.” Alicia smiled at her, amusement lighting up her green eyes.

“I can already imagine it. First we’d get dinner at a Mexican restaurant…”

“Why Mexican?” Her smile grew wry when Elyza’s face lit up.

“So I can sample your all-you-can-eat taco bar.”

“ _ Oh my God,  _ I hate you so much,” Alicia laughed, reaching over to smack the blonde with the cushion she’d been laying on. “Has that line  _ ever _ worked?”

“It usually does. It’s all in the delivery. Besides, I am irresistible.” Elyza held out her hands to protect herself from the assault and grabbed onto the pillow so Alicia couldn’t smack her again. She started cracking up as well, unable to handle her own glee building up combined with the sound of Alicia’s laughter filling her with lightness.

It took several moments for them to calm down, but in the resulting silence, they met each other’s eyes once more, their hands still holding onto the same pillow.

Elyza wasn’t sure if Alicia was  _ smiling _ or  _ smirking _ , but either way she was  _ ~~beautifu--annoyin--irritatin--~~ _ no, yeah, beautiful was the right word. She just dug herself deeper and deeper into this gay hole and  _ maybe _ she didn’t want to leave it. Her own smugness eased up and she let go. “You should go back to sleep. Don’t wanna be half-asleep when we’re being chased through the city.”

Alicia sat back down with her legs bent, hugging her knees and resting her chin atop the cushion. “What about you?”

She shrugged. “I’m actually a super warrior that transcends dimensions to protect the innocent and I’m so great I don’t need sleep.”

Insert eye roll. “Doesn’t your back hurt from all your posturing?”

“I dunno, why haven’t your eyes fallen out of your head from rolling them so much?”

The brunette reached over to lightly slap her on the arm. “You should sleep too.”

“M’keeping watch. Go ahead, get your beauty sleep. I’ll be fine.” Elyza scooted back towards the wall and rested against it. 

Alicia frowned. “We’ll take turns. I’ll keep watch so you can sleep.”

“What are you going to do if something happens?” She cocked an eyebrow. 

“Like what? A walker coming in? I--” Elyza noted the pause--the way she swallowed, the way her eyes darkened and she shut them briefly. “--I can stop it. I’m not  _ helpless… _ ” She looked away.

“I don’t think you are. But you’ve been traveling with your family, right?” She shrugged. “Let me guess, they’ve been trying to protect you, so they haven’t taught you how to defend yourself. They don’t want to show you how to use a gun because they still haven’t accepted that the world’s gone to shit and--” She raised her hands to air quote. “--’ _ you’re just a kid.’  _ Suburban family, right? Does anyone in your family know how to fight?”

Alicia was stunned for a moment by Elyza’s observations before she rested her head on the pillow once more. “No… Not really… We’re traveling with some other people too, and there’s an older guy who does, but my mom and her boyfriend are  _ teachers _ .”

“I’ve seen families like yours. I mean, it’s shitty but there’s no  _ pacifist _ option in this world anymore. The end of the world kind of uprooted everyone’s white picket fence dreams.” She crossed her arms. “Besides, it’s not like you’re a toddler. If they aren’t going to trust you not to shoot yourself in the face, then y’all aren’t going to get very far, sorry to say.”

The younger girl’s eyes were pensive as she stared at the floor. After a beat of silence, she scoffed and mumbled, “Yeah, they  _ wanted _ to act like there was a white picket fence.” Before Elyza could question her statement, she looked up. “...How long have you been alone?”

_ Since before the beginning of the apocalypse. _ “A long while.”

“So who taught you to protect yourself?”

She grinned. “Me.”

Alicia’s eyes drifted back towards the floor again. Her eyes were clouded with questions and worries, and there was a small part of Elyza that wished she could just  _ cleanse  _ her of them. But despite her instincts telling her to  _ go ahead _ , she held back.

“Alicia?”

“Hm?”

“Get some sleep.” she smiled softly.

“...Okay.”

The blonde’s eyes were trained on the other young woman’s body for most of the evening. Occasionally they darted over to the door when she thought she heard something, but it was always her imagination.

The rise and fall of her rhythmic breathing was relaxing, and it eased her nerves that Alicia was sleeping as soundly as she could on the floor of a convenience store. Every now and then she’d make small noises and shift slightly, and Elyza would be lying if she said she wasn’t so incredibly grateful that she’d rolled over so that she was facing her instead of her back.

She noted every little detail, every twitch of her brow or lips. Whenever the blanket slipped off her shoulder, Elyza reached over to pull it back up. ~~And resisted the urge to peck her on the lips because~~ ~~_ what the fuck _ ~~ ~~.~~

Her own fingers twitched, and there was an itch in her brain of a memory that didn’t exist. She didn’t have to worry about falling asleep in the tedium of keeping watch, because her imagination was running at 500 MPH, filling her brain with fantasies of tracing her fingers along Alicia’s back and holding her tightly. The thoughts of kissing her and breathing her in and tangling her fingers in her hair choked her, and she almost forgot to breathe.

_ Fuck my gay ass. _

The sun had been up for a couple hours when Elyza gladly gave in to her restlessness and finally stood up and stretched. She headed over to the Pile of Shit™ beside her and dug around, fishing out a couple of breakfast bars and a bottle of water. She stepped back towards Alicia and kneeled down.

“Alicia,” she said quietly and reached out to shake her shoulder gently. But as soon as her fingers made contact, her breath was sucked out of her and her heartbeat quickened.

_ What was up with that? _ What was up with this girl who just tore down all her walls and cut right through her without even trying? Shit, the ho was still  _ sleeping. _ She didn’t even  _ have _ to do anything. Elyza has had threesomes that were less exciting than  _ touching Alicia’s shoulder. _

Her hand stayed, a nagging thought keeping her frozen.  _ This might be the last time you see her. _ Despite the invitation the brunette had extended, she was hesitant. Was it wrong to think other people were a liability? Was it  _ wrong _ that she hoped they’d be gone so she could stay with Alicia?  _ Yes, that is fucked up. Stop being so fucked up. _

She had her family. And Elyza didn’t want to ruin that for her. She couldn’t intrude on her life like that. And yet the thought of being separated from her twisted her heart in the most painful way possible.

She swallowed and dragged deep breaths.  _ You’re fine. It’s fine. _ Clearing her throat, she tried again. “Alicia. It’s morning. Wake up, sleepyhead.” 

The brunette groaned and hid her face in her hands. “Fuck off,” she mumbled sleepily. 

“Sorry, my fuck is  _ always _ on.” Crossing her legs, she plopped down besides her body and dropped the packaged breakfast onto her. “Time for breakfast. Hope you like granola.”

Alicia simply groaned again.

_ God she’s adorable. _

______________

The herd had passed by overnight like they’d hoped. They ate and spent a bit of time talking until Alicia woke up completely before setting off. 

Elyza holstered two handguns beside her, and a knife behind. Her shotgun was slung around her, and on her back was her ukulele.

“Really?” Alicia arched her brow at the blonde when she handed her an aluminum baseball bat. 

“Just in case. Can never be too prepared.” She smiled widely and began to walk, while the other followed.

“I’d feel safer with a gun.”

“Not until you’re taught how to shoot. I don’t want you shooting yourself in your pretty li’l face.” Elyza winked, nudging the other girl with her elbow.

She scowled and slapped her arm away. “Stop it, or I’ll hit you with the bat.”

“That’s the spirit! Remember to aim for the head.” She pulled out her ukulele and began to strum soft music to fade out the ambient noise of eerie gurgles and groans.

Alicia sighed. “Even if you’re obnoxious… Thanks for helping me.”

“Of course, what kind of hero would I be if I didn’t protect beautiful ladies?”

“...That doesn’t sound very hero-like of you.” She scrunched up her face.

“Y’caught me. I pretend to be a hero so cuties like you fall for me.”

“Too bad. I’m more of an  _ anti _ -hero type.”

“Are you confessing that you have a crush on me?” 

“Wh-- _ No _ ,” Alicia glared at her, and Elyza laughed. To be honest, she would’ve preferred to have pinned her up against the side of one of these buildings and kissed her--actions over words, right?--but while the thought came to her easily enough, she hesitated at actually doing it. 

_ I don’t want to freak her out. Is that so wrong? _ She wasn’t going to think about all the other times she’d fiercely kissed women she didn’t even know the names of, completely confident in her abilities to woo them.  _ But _ , that was totally different--those were just hook-ups at bars and they’d both be tipsy, this was--she was--Alicia was  _ different. _

The brunette huffed before mentioning, “You left a lot of stuff behind.”

“Yeah, so?” 

“You’re coming with us, right? Why not pack it all?” 

Oh. Her fingers and feet stopped. “Actually, uh… I think it’d be best if I took you back to your family and we went our separate ways.” She pushed the words out, no matter how painful it was. No matter how hard they were to choke up.

“What?” Alicia’s eyes widened. “ _ Why _ ? It’s safer for everyone if we’re all in a group, we can all watch out for each other--” As she continued to ramble, her voice raised in volume.

“It’s just--I don’t do well in groups, okay?” Elyza’s eyes were pulled towards the ground, unable to meet Alicia’s furrowed brow and hurt expression.  _ She’s mad. She’s not sad. She’s mad. _ She repeated the thought over and over again, hoping the rationale would smother the ache.

“Oh my  _ God _ . Really? That’s your reason? I thought the whole ridiculous lone wolf, badass act was just you being a stupid dork-- _ but do you really believe in that bullshit? _ ” 

Each word cut into her center. She heard every word clearly, the way her voice trembled and got thicker.  _ If she cries, it’s because she’s mad. Not because she’s sad. She’s mad. _

“It’s not bullshit,” Elyza mumbled lamely. “Everyone around me…” She looked up to meet Alicia’s watery eyes that she hid behind her angry mask. “They--” 

Before she could continue, the sound of growls and hisses creeped up around them.

_ Fucking really? _

“Shit,” she grumbled. While the other girl’s attention was turned towards the noise, Elyza stepped forward and grabbed her wrist before tugging her away. 

“Hey--!!” Alicia tried to pull away but her grip only tightened.

“Can you  _ not _ be a bratty teenager for  _ five seconds _ ?” The blonde snapped.

“I don’t know, can you  _ not be a stupid asshole for five seconds? _ ”

“Do you want me to say  _ no?! _ Would that make you happy!?” Even as they argued, Elyza walked quickly down the sidewalk while dragging Alicia behind her, looking every which way to see where walkers were coming from. Out of the corner of her vision, there were a few ambling out of an alleyway.

She glanced back at the brunette. “No, I  _ can’t _ be a stupid asshole  _ ever _ , because it’s just fucking burned into my DNA to be a giant dickhead. Are you fucking happy now!?”

...Their yelling probably wasn’t helping their situation any.

“ _ No! _ Why won’t you just  _ come with us? _ ” Somewhere along the way, Alicia’s hand had slipped into Elyza’s, and her fingers squeezed the blonde’s tightly as she spoke.

“ _ Because _ \--”  _ Fuck! _ She stopped short when a pair of infected met them around the corner.

The younger practically crashed into her. “What the  _ fuck _ \--”

With danger so close to them, all of Elyza’s other thoughts were pushed away. She tucked the frustration and heartache that was so prevalent a moment ago into the corner of her mind, and her body acted quickly and automatically.

She smoothly drew the gun from her left, and with steady aim she fired twice, expertly piercing their skulls and lodging a bullet in their respective brains. The corpses stilled in their progress and crumpled onto the concrete.

Elyza took a deep breath and exhaled, before she realized how tightly Alicia was gripping her hand. Her other hand was clinging to her jacket, and her head was pressed into her back.

Right now they needed to keep moving--but she couldn’t will her feet to move. The brunette’s trembling hands and shaky, whimpering breaths held her into place and there was no way she could ignore her and continue on.

She turned around and squeezed both her hands. “Hey,” Elyza whispered gently, leaning closer to meet green eyes she hid by looking downwards. Even if they didn’t make eye contact, the way she sucked in breaths through her clenched jaw told her that Alicia was burying whatever pain had surfaced.

_ Why does that seem so like you to do? _

“It’ll be okay. Let’s keep going a little further and then we’ll take a break, alright? You good to walk?” she asked softly and encouragingly, her words spoken just loudly enough for her to hear.

A nod.

“Alright, come on now.” Elyza pulled her closer, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, while the other still held her hand. She kept a brisk pace, though not as quick as her strides before. She didn’t want Alicia to fall behind.

They walked for several minutes, the blonde frequently looking up and glancing around, making sure they were losing any walkers that trailed behind them. The sooner the better--or else she’d up snowballing a herd right after them.

Every few moments she’d squeeze Alicia reassuringly in an attempt to calm her shudders. There was nothing more Elyza wanted to do than to hug her tightly and murmur soothing words, but her throat closed up at the thought.  _ What would I even say? _ Why was making sure the brunette was okay  _ so important to her? _

When they got closer to the edge of the city and she was certain that the area was clear, she sighed and led Alicia to a bench she slumped into.

“You okay?” Elyza finally asked, looking down at the other young woman.

She nodded with more confidence than before. “Y...yeah,” she mumbled. “...Thanks for… you know.” She hid her face in her hands and let out a long sigh.

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it.” The blonde smiled softly, and sank down beside her. “We can sit as long as you want.”

Alicia shook her head. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Elyza arched her brow. “You seem pretty shaken up--”

“I’m  _ fine. _ ” Her hands balled up into fists on her lap.

“Hey, shhh. If we start yelling again we’ll draw more dead to us.”

“Let’s just  _ go _ .” She moved to stand up, but Elyza reached for her hand.

_ Clearly _ , the other young woman was upset. Originally she had thought she had been shaken up by the close encounter, but now she was reminded of their argument right before that. Oh boy. This was something that could only be solved by  _ words _ , and those were not her forte.

“Can we just… talk?” she hesitated, her tongue unfamiliar with the phrase.

“Talk?” Alicia sat back down, bewilderment written all over her face. “About  _ what _ ?”

“You’re upset? I’m sorry that it was so sudden--I didn’t mean to scare you with the gun--”

“I’m not--I  _ wasn’t _ scared. It’s just… They surprise me. I’m not used to them yet,” she mumbled. “Besides, don’t be sorry, stupid. You saved us. Now can we keep moving?” She could barely contain the irritation in her words.

_ Okay, so that was a miss. _ It would be too fortunate if that was the only issue, wouldn’t it? “No, wait--Can you just. Tell me why you’re mad?”

Alicia scoffed. “Why do you care? We’re not going to see each other again after this.”

As soon as the last word left her lips, a striking pain sliced right through her chest and with how quickly the brunette looked away, Elyza wondered if she felt it too.

_ Yes we will. _ She had almost blurted that out despite her decision.  _ God, you’re so stupid. Why  _ **_do_ ** _ you care? She’s right. You’re never going to see each other again.  _ And once more, her heart seized painfully, as if rebelling against her decision.

_ Don’t leave. _ No,  _ fuck. _ She couldn’t say that. This was the best choice. They had to.

“ _ Because _ … I don’t… want you to be mad at me--”  _ That sounded so lame. _ “--it’s better this way.  _ Look _ , people around me…” Elyza hesitated. Alicia looked back at her, worry flooding her eyes. Despite that, the words came slowly. “They die, okay? Everyone I hang around ends up biting it. And if I stay with you and your family, then they will too--”

“That’s so--oh my  _ God _ \--I can’t even-- _ you’re so fucking stupid. _ ”

Even if it was just her frustration talking, Elyza couldn’t help but flinch at the words.

“The world is a giant shit-hole right now. People fucking die. In fact, most people are already fucking dead! And yet, here I am, yelling at your dumb ass because you saved me.  _ Twice. _ So no, that’s a terrible reason for not coming with us, and you’ll have to come up with something better,” she huffed and crossed her arms.

And to be honest, the blonde had no words and simply looked at her with wide eyes, and her mouth slightly agape. “I… I’m…” She fumbled the words as she groped around in her brain space, trying to figure out what to say. “...Sorry.”  _ I don’t want you to die. _

Alicia sighed. “I’m sorry too. Just… come with us? If it doesn’t work out, we can figure it out later. But it’s safer this way.”

_ No it’s not. I’m going to get everyone killed. _ Elyza’s mind raged against her heart, which surged with joy at the idea of staying in the other young woman’s company. But that was selfish,  _ wasn’t it? _ It was absolutely selfish, and yet all she yearned to do was just  _ give in _ .

She forced a small grin. “Okay.”  _ But at the first sign of trouble, I’m leaving. I can’t hurt you. _

“Do I get some kind of reward for getting through that thick head of yours?” Alicia teased as she stood up.

“I think I have a voucher for a night of good lovin’ on me somewhere…”

“You know what? I think I’m good actually. Let’s keep going, I recognize this area.” And with that, the brunette quickly headed off.

“You don’t know what you’re missing!” Elyza called out.

“And I never want to know.” Alicia glanced back and smirked.

“Such a dick.”

“That’s part of my charm.”

______________

Throughout the rest of the walk, the two bantered back and forth, occasionally brushing up against the other’s shoulder as they elbowed each other lightly. Their arms swayed as they walked, and they pretended not to notice when their hands grazed against each other. When they grinned at each other, their gazes dancing with glee lingered for seconds too long before one of them eventually broke it and looked away.

This satiated a part of Elyza’s longing, and it felt so _right._ But she wanted-- _needed_ _more._ That vague, ambiguous memory of _more_ floated around in her thoughts, teasing her senses. Was she just going crazy?

They came around the corner of a fence, and Alicia quickened her pace, her eyes lighting up in recognition.

“Mom! Nick?” she called out, but there was no response.

There was no life stirring at all, actually.

Several yards away there were two cars with their doors wide open. Elyza’s eyes took in the scene, noting the dents in the sides and the possessions that were trailing out of the car and scattered around the ground.

“What the fuck…” Alicia breathed, before whipping around and yelling out once more, “Mom!? Nick!? Travis?”

The blonde’s blue eyes darkened.

“Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm gonna be upfront w/ you guys b/c my name isn't jackass rottenbutthead: i have no idea what i'm doing here. i have an idea for at least a bitty plot, but when i started writing this, i mainly wanted to set up my own version of this AU so i can occasionally write fluffy one-shots. LOL. we'll see! thx for reading. <3 
> 
> hmu on my tumblr @ bappykomclarkekru, hope you enjoyed fam. let's be friends.
> 
> [ps man i can't help but feel my pacing is off, anyone got tips yo]


	3. tell me i am loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alicia is being hit with a lot of Teen Angst™. inc lots of introspection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa i'm sorry this took so long omfff thx for your patience everyone <3

At certain moments, time seemed to pass by too slowly, as it was dragged through molasses and feigned to stop entirely. 

And yet, when the sun began to set, Alicia wished there were more hours, minutes, or even seconds in the day as she sat in the bed of the pickup, hugging her knees close to her body and staring blankly ahead. There was nothing to look at. No matter how hard she forced her optimism, or how her mind and heart conspired against her all day and conjured up delusions of new footsteps, or familiar voices in the distance and fueling her false hopes, there was nothing at all. There was her, this truck, and Elyza.

Fuck the world.

"Hey," the blonde spoke softly from where she stood by the truck.

She said nothing in response. What was she  _supposed_ to say? She just didn't want to think or feel anymore. She couldn't breathe through her nose, and her eyes were tired and warm and sore from her tears that came and went throughout the day. Her emotions were completely drained from her, and it no longer mattered to her if time continued forward or stopped entirely. The context of the situation and her environment was surreal, and she was having difficulty grounding her thoughts to the severity of the situation. 

_Who gave a fuck anymore?_

Alicia paid no mind to the clanking and rocking of the truck as Elyza climbed into the bed and sat beside her.  ~~Her heart did not flutter briefly when she brushed against her.~~

"We can stay here if you want. But it'll be safer if we go back to the store," she suggested gently. "We can get some sleep. Then in the morning we'll set out and start our search."

The brunette's tired heart soaked up her reassurances, and the warmth lit a new spark of hope. But along with that came the awful reminder of the futility of her situation, and the bitter irony that she was more than aware of. 

"Shit's fucked," Alicia mumbled into her arms.

"Huh?" The blonde arched a brow at her, not entirely certain of what her companion had just said.

"Shit's. Fucked," she repeated, making certain to enunciate the vowels and looking towards Elyza so that nothing obscured her words.

"Well. Yeah, that's a pretty apt description of the world right now. Maybe we can print that on some t-shirts. We'll be the first ones to revitalize the graphic t-shirt industry." She leaned backwards and stretched her legs out.

Silence. Elyza didn't push the conversation. Didn't push her. And while she wasn't aware of it right then, Alicia was appreciative of that and the time she was given to sort out her thoughts. Apprehension and loneliness and desperation and anger were swirling inside of her, and she mulled over everything that'd passed through her mind that day. 

Her family was gone. She had no idea where, or who took them. It wasn't walkers obviously, but as awful as those things were, they were easy to figure out. If it was humans though, where was she even supposed to start brainstorming? But as she worried about her family and their companions' fate, there was an undeniable frustration that solidified and sat in her stomach. Her frustration with herself. Her frustration with _them_. 

_What am I supposed to do?_

Finally, she spoke up, her voice slightly raspy from not being used all day except for sobs that she couldn't stifle, "I wanted to get away from them so much."

The blonde looked towards her, but only ended up catching the side of her face.

"I was tired of all the trouble they caused for themselves. It was like a stupid self-perpetuating cycle, and they kept repeating the same action over and over again, hoping something would change. Nick did what he wanted. Mom worried about him. Nick hit the breaking point. Nick tried to change. Mom tried to help him change. Inevitably he falls back into old habits... over and over again." Alicia realized she was rambling, and Elyza had no context for any of what she was saying. She didn't know how to convey these memories that were buried in the back of her mind, always ready to be found when she had crossed the threshold into the deep-end of her wallowing. 

The memories of the times she could hear her mother's muffled sobs in the other room. They were more frequent when she was younger, and back then she didn't know what she was supposed to do. How was a kid who barely understood her own emotions supposed to help her parent? So, timidly she'd enter the room and sit besides her to offer what little comfort she could. And for Nick, she did the same. Now it was a perfected art--she knew all the right words to say, she knew how to hide the shaking uncertainty of her tone and act like the cornerstone they needed. 

And then there were the memories where she'd be sitting in her room with the door closed. She'd be huddled up in the corner, her knees pressed her chest and her hands over her ears. But it was a small house, and her mother and brother's yelling was more than enough to penetrate the walls. 

All these things happened over and over again, and no matter how hard she tried to help, nothing changed. 

"I don't hate them," she mumbled. "I'm just tired of being dragged into their drama... And then there was Travis and his family, and it was too much. I wanted-- _needed_ to get away from them, because if I'd stayed, I wouldn't be able to live my life. I'd be rooted here, unable to get away because I just... I..."

"...Care too much," Elyza finished quietly. 

Alicia looked over, her eyes widening slightly. "Y-yeah... The funny thing is once the world ended, I was stuck with them." She smiled bitterly. "I'd worked all this time and I was so close to leaving it all behind, and then all of a sudden it didn't matter anymore. Their problems were mine forever now, since we were gonna be stuck together until we all died or were killed," she scoffed and squeezed her arms tightly, the dull pain of the newly carved tattoo still tingling. Sighing shakily, she continued, "...I know it's fucked up. They're my family--I  _do_ care about them--but I've always felt like I had to be the one holding up Mom and Nick, even if they see me as the kid. And I can't... I can't do that..." Alicia rested her head atop her crossed arms. "Not that it matters anymore since they're fuckin' gone. Now that I wanted to stay with my family, they end up being the ones to leave me," she laughed breathily, shaking her head. She said nothing for a few moments, before quietly speaking up again, "Sorry. That's kind of fucked up to spill onto someone I just met."

Instead of flippantly casual words telling her off like she'd expected, there was silence and a small touch on her left arm. Looking up, she met Elyza's murky blue eyes, darkened by worry and concern. The blonde arched a brow and tugged lightly at her arm, silently asking for permission. Alicia gave a small nod, curiosity and confusion apparent on her face. She sat up straighter when the other young woman took her arm and pushed back the sleeve of her jacket, her thumbs carefully brushing over the mark on her arm. The brunette shivered at the newly sparked irritation under her glancing touch.

"I saw it a couple times earlier," Elyza murmured, her eyes tracing the dark lines. Looking up, she asked, "You did this yourself?" 

"Yeah..." Alicia mumbled, a little embarrassed that someone else had seen it. It was something to remember Matt by, but it wasn't the most thought-out decision she'd made. Admittedly, she'd been overwhelmed by stress and emotions, and with everyone else in her family handling their own issues, she had nowhere else to break down but in private.

The blonde had lowered her gaze towards the drawing, her fingers still trailing against the carving. To be honest, having to ignore it while it healed had been frustrating. She didn't want to draw her family's attention to it, but at the same time there was a constant tickling and prickling underneath her skin that was difficult to resist scratching at. It wasn't much, but Elyza's cool fingers alleviated the annoying sensations. "When we go back to the store, I have something you can rub on it to help it heal. I'm not a fan of dry healing myself," she shrugged lightly.

Briefly, her eyes lit up. "When we go back?"

"Yeah. Whenever you feel like going."

"No, I mean... why are you staying with me? You could just as easily ditch my lame ass behind."

"First of all, your ass is  _not_ lame, it's fine as fuck--and that's  _not_ just because I haven't gotten laid in the past three weeks--ow." She lifted a hand to rub her nose when Alicia had reached up to flick her in the face. "I was kidding! ...No, sorry that's a lie, I wasn't kidding--anyway, second of all, I'm not going to just _leave_ you. What the fuck kind of person would I be?"

"A sane one? I'm all for helping those in need, but..."

"So just let me help you, and don't shoot yourself in the foot with your counter-productive arguments. S'not like I got anything else to do." Elyza grinned lopsidedly. "Besides..." Her expression softened. "Sounds like you could let someone help you for a change." Her hands trailed down to Alicia's and squeezed it lightly, before she stood up and swung her legs over the side of the truck bed. 

The brunette was stunned, not doing anything for the next few moments as her eyes were trained on the other young woman. If it was anyone else, those words would've been empty promises she'd discard and put no stock in. Yes, she loved her family even if they drove her crazy--but they were just as guilty as anyone else when it came to broken oaths, if not more so. Elyza though... she had just met the blonde, and yet there was a sincerity that Alicia subscribed to and held onto automatically. _Reflexively._ Matt had been the one she trusted most in recent memory, but she couldn't shake the feeling that this ran deeper... For the first time since she'd realized her family was missing, there was a relaxing warmth in her heart.

_How does she make me feel that way?_

"If you stare any longer, I'mma have to start charging." 

Alicia rolled her eyes before hopping off the truck as well. She joined her side as they headed back towards their base.

"You're crazy, y'know that?" Elyza bumped into her with her shoulder.

"Is that a compliment coming from you?"

Ignoring her question, she continued, "You weren't worried about your arm getting infected when you were using... what, a safety pin to tattoo yourself?"

"I wasn't exactly thinking clearly," she mumbled.

" _Clearly._ " 

Silence hung in the air, before a weight laid across Alicia's shoulder and she was pulled towards Elyza, who rested her head atop hers. 

The brunette was surprised her feet were still moving, considering her brain and heart had stopped. And for a few milliseconds there, she had  _also_ forgotten to breathe. 

_Oh God, what do I do?_

Her fingers twitched, as if some muscle memory from another existence was dictating their movement. Slowly and lightly, she wrapped her arm around the back of the blonde.

"Promise me something?" Elyza murmured. Her soul shivered against the breath of her words hitting her skin.

She swallowed thickly. "Mm?"

"Don't hurt yourself anymore, okay? I want to bring you back to your family in one piece. And if I don't make a good impression on your mom, how am I going to get invited to your family's Christmas parties?" Alicia dared to let her thoughts ride off of Elyza's words, her imagination setting the scene for a world where she'd introduce her new companion as her girlfriend.  ~~ _She was so embarrassing, holy shit._~~

"Sorry, since the end of the world, Christmas parties have been momentarily postponed," she mumbled dryly.

"That's a shame, I'd love to make out with you under some mistletoe."

Alicia looked away and said nothing,  _hoping so hard that the heat in her face was not betraying her right then._

Luckily, Elyza continued to verbalize her stream of consciousness without missing a beat. "Maybe when we're looking for your family, we can raid a tattoo shop and I can ink you up properly."

"You're a tattoo artist?"

The blonde shrugged, smiling lazily. "Sort of."

"Sort of?" She arched her brow.

"Well, you know... in this economy you have to take on a couple different jobs to make ends meet. Tattooing was just one of the things I did," she explained vaguely.

"Sure...?"

"I'm a woman of many talents." Elyza grinned and waggled her eyebrows. "I have very skilled hands."

Alicia groaned and drew back her arm, pushing her away lightly. "You're such a fucking dork.

 

* * *

 

For the first stretch of the evening after they'd eaten and settled down for the night, Alicia made no efforts to fall asleep. Her mind was racing with all the possibilities starting from here on out--where would they go next?  _How_ were they even going to find her family? And... how could she become more useful, so she could help Elyza? The good thing at least was her heart was so tired she was currently numb to worry and anxiety, but she'd be more grateful if she could relax and fall asleep.

Sighing, the back of her head thunked against the wall as she stared up at the ceiling. 

"What're you thinking about?" The other woman's presence came closer as she sat beside Alicia, their arms brushing against each other. 

_This was all so fucking surreal._ She was sitting in an abandoned convenience store in the middle of the night, meeting the eyes of a _~~hot as fuck--super beautiful--God she's so pretty what the fuck am I gayer than I thought~~_ \--yeah, hot as fuck was the right phrase--woman whose features were highlighted by the moon. Her mind was fatigued and dazed, and all she could really recognize was how beautiful Elyza was, and how seeing her face kept her grounded and was  _so familiar_. The blonde's hands wrapped around her left, and the concern in her eyes played against her small, amused smirk. 

Alicia was submerged in vague nostalgia, grasping at blurred memories that she knew were there but couldn't recognize any of the important details-- _there were candles? It was night time? And... Elyza was there? Or wait--no, that wasn't exactly right..._

She groaned and pressed her right hand to her forehead.

"What's wrong? You okay?" The blonde frowned.

"Fine... I'm fine. Just... tired. I guess..." she mumbled. "Uh."  _What did she ask?_ "I'm... Just thinking about everything, I guess." Her eyes darted to the side, to anywhere that wasn't Elyza's face, because there was this overwhelming  _warmth_ and  _affection_ when it came to her. It didn't make any sense, and Alicia wasn't sure if maybe she was finally starting to break under all the pressure. 

~~_I love you._~~   _No, nope. Stop that. You're being crazy. Everyone dies and suddenly you're pining after the first hot piece of ass you run into? I mean, it's not just her ass, it's pretty much **everything about her** \--stop. Stop. Shut the fuck up. No. E ~~ven though that's totally right, holy shit she's so beautiful.~~_

"Like?" Elyza squeezed her hand.

She sighed. "Just... Where do we even begin to look for them? They could be anywhere."

"Just gotta pick a direction and start going there. There aren't that many people around... you were with a pretty big group, yeah? If anyone saw 'em, they'd remember. Especially if they were taken... I can't imagine it was a one-off thing."

"What, you mean like... there's just a bunch of people committing serial kidnappings or some shit?"

The blonde shrugged. "Well... yeah. World's gone to pieces. Humans start doing fucked up things. Well, _more_ humans start doing fucked up things. Don't know why. Everyone's got their own reasons for doing what they do. Maybe they're just assholes."

"Jesus..." Alicia sighed again. "So where should we start heading then? We can go pretty much anywhere we want."

Elyza said nothing for a moment as she mulled over the question. "Vegas?"

The brunette looked at her questioningly.

She grinned. "What, you don't want to room up in a swag ass hotel?"

"Not if the room service is run by walkers?"

She laughed. "I dunno, before all this shit started that's where two of my mates were vacationing at. I was meaning to head there since the beginning, but I got caught up in a bunch of stuff and got off track. I mean, not that I can complain." She winked and nudged Alicia.

...Who was pointedly ignoring her come-on, because right then her mind and heart were at Maximum Gay Feelings™ and she would definitely fall for her cheesy lines. "It's a good a destination as any," she responded evenly. "...You big nerd."

Well, she  _tried_ to ignore the come-on. But in the end it was worth it, because Elyza's grin only made her grin as well.

For years, home had been this imperfect, fragmented idea. Which was how it was for everyone, right? No one had a  _normal_ family, that shit only existed in sitcoms and in books for kids sub age six before they realized that Santa Claus was a ploy used by parents knee deep in marital strife who needed to distract their children with toys and fictional hope. Everyone's family left them feeling half-empty, right? No one was perfect. It's not like she didn't love her brother and mom, it was just that  _home_ was a much more complicated concept than what was optimistically peddled out to society.

And yet, the blue eyes she met that sparkled with mirth was exactly what she'd imagined home to feel like. Her soul felt at ease in her presence, and there was this unshakable faith--faith that should've been baseless, because  _they barely knew each other_ , but it wasn't. Elyza had risked her life for Alicia multiple times in the short period they'd known each other, and she knew she'd do it again and again... just as she knew she'd do the same for her.

Yes, she desperately wanted to find her family again, to make sure they were safe... but she'd go to the same lengths  ~~if not more~~ to ensure the same for her new companion. 

Every nerve in her body compelled her to rest against Elyza, but she resisted, still uncertain of what was okay to the blonde.  ~~Even if somehow, she knew it would be okay. That she would more than welcome the closeness.~~

As if the other young woman knew what she was thinking  ~~or maybe felt the same need to make contact~~ , she reached forward and cupped Alicia's face softly. "Get some sleep."

"I want to stay beside you," she whispered, afraid of admitting her vulnerability.

"So stay." Elyza's hand drifted towards her shoulder, and she pulled the brunette closer. "Rest."

Her face was nuzzled against her neck, and she had never known more peace than this. "You should too. Don't treat me like a kid."  _Like the others_ were the unspoken words they both knew were hanging off the end of the sentence. "...I don't want you to worry about protecting me. I want to help you too."

"I don't think you're a kid. I've known you for less than two days, and you're one of the strongest people I've met." Her voice was soft, but the words met Alicia's core like a hammer forging metal and strengthening it. "As much as I love saving cute girls, I won't leave you helpless. I'll show you how to fight while we look for your family."

Alicia closed her eyes. "Thank you."

Her consciousness began to drift, but even then she was aware of how tightly Elyza held onto her, or how as they both began to relax, their breathing fell into a perfect rhythm. Her own fingers pressed into the other's back, and she lazily twirled the strands of blonde hair in her fingertips. The other young woman's hands trailed up and down her back, drawing a path of warmth behind them. Her nose and lips were pressed against the skin of her neck, and she couldn't imagine a safer place to be right then.

She didn't know where her family was, but there wasn't a single doubt that her soul found a home in Elyza's protective embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really love alicia clark.... this chap is mostly me rambling abt my headcanon for her history and how she views her family hahaha (watch s2 of ftwd shoot it down lmaooo) next chap will be more plotty PROBABLY. 
> 
> anyway thx for reading <3 comments are appreciated and hmu at bappykomclarkekru on tumblr, i enjoy yelling abt headcanons and fanon.


	4. are you living your life or just waiting to die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHOA, another Alicia POV chapter! What the what!? 
> 
> She can't handle that she's in love with someone she met three days ago, but sometimes it feels like it's been way longer.
> 
> Aw, balls. Zombies ruin everything. Well, almost everything. There are some things that do it better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **cw:** mentions of lexa's death, i get pretty graphic w/ zombie fighting so care. also, you know i use fuck 25 times this chapter, but you all know that's my favorite word by now, right?

_She was asleep, that much at least she was aware of. Pieces of memories and thoughts floated around in her subconscious, but nothing formed into a dream of substance that she could remember--not until she was placed into a brightly lit corridor. There were no visible walls or ceilings or floors, but because of whatever nonsense dream logic there were defined parameters. There was no backwards, only forwards, and so she walked carefully ahead, each step heavier than the last. Reluctance stalled her movements, but despite everything telling her that there was **danger** ahead, she was pulled closer and closer towards the end of the hallway, until her fingers rested on the cold metal handle, and dread filled her veins with ice._

_**Don’t open the door.** _

_She was only mildly aware that the light was gone now, and her surroundings were pitch black. Even if everything inside of her **screamed** to walk away, this was a dream and she was the viewer with no control over how this played out._

_And so she pulled it open, but before she could even process what was behind that door, something swiftly and forcefully struck her right in the core, ripping through her being and--_

Alicia snapped out of her slumber immediately and drew a sharp breath, thankful to hear her heart pounding quickly and loudly. She flailed slightly when she sat up, her breathing still deep and panicked.

“ _Oh my Go--_ scaredtheshitoutofme _fuck_ \--er. Hey? Are you alright?” Elyza kneeled in front of her, and despite the relief that began to trickle through her heart, she was still too stunned to do anything but stare at the blonde with wide eyes.

“Alicia?” She held her face gently with her hands, and the brunette’s pulse began to slow. She knew she was safe here. Her companion’s worried blue eyes continued to dart around, trying to read her expression. “You with me?”

“Y-yeah…” She nodded, or at least tried to in her grasp. ~~She wasn’t going to shake her off, her calloused fingers brushing against her skin was nice-- _stop_. That was shittier than the poem she’d bullshitted in tenth grade. The one where she’d mostly pulled the lines from trashy romance novels at the grocery store.~~ “I just. I…” Alicia’s mind raced as she pieced together her dream. “I… was shot. It just went--” Elyza pulled away as she looked down and she pressed her own hand against the middle of her torso. “Jesus… it felt so real. I--I thought I’d died… Shit freaked me out.” Her words were shaky and fragile, and she sighed into her hands. “Fuck. I’m sorry.” She dropped her hands. “You probably think I’m cra...zy… Elyza?”

Her companion’s eyes were trained on her with an intensely, somber expression, like she had _actually_ been shot.

“H...hey?” Alicia forced a weak smile. “It’s… aha… it was just a dream. I mean, that’s why you don’t eat stale Krispy Kreme donuts and cold SpaghettiOs for dinner, right? Lesson learned. I’ll try to watch my diet through the rest of the apocalypse, maybe we can head to Idaho and grow some potatoes… Elyza?”

“Uh.” The blonde shook her head lightly. “Sorry. I just… started thinking of something...” She glanced off to the side, her eyes foggy and out of focus. “You’re alright, though?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” She watched her curiously.

“Good.” Elyza stood up, but not before squeezing Alicia’s hand firmly.

 _Why did she sound so sad?_ Regretful, almost.

Was she just imagining it?

 _God,_ those SpaghettiOs must’ve been laced with some hard shit.

“Are _you_ okay? Sorry if I freaked you out.”

“No, you didn’t. I was just reminded of something,” she mumbled as she kneeled down besides her backpack and continued to set supplies inside of it.

“Mind if I ask what?”

Elyza laughed under her breath. “Think it might freak you out.”

“You know that’s exactly what you _don’t_ say to someone when they’re curious?” Alicia stood up and stretched her arms. “If you don’t want to tell me it’s fine. You just seem… distracted.” _I want to help._

“Aww, are you worried about me?” The blonde looked over with a cheeky grin. “I’m flattered that you’ve graced me with your kindness.”

“Don’t be an asshole.” She kicked her lightly as she walked past and picked up a bottle of water.

“It’s my default setting. The only other options are, ‘A Bigger Asshole,’ ‘The Biggest Asshole,’ ‘Queen Bitch,’ and ‘Sex Machine.’ No, wait. There’s also ‘ _Sex Terminator_.’”

“Knowing what I know about Terminator, that’s terrifying.”

“‘...Sex Optimus Prime’?”

“Why’s it gotta be a robot?”

“Because robots are more efficient than humans in the jobs they’re designed for and--”

“--Oh my God, _please stop I asked that rhetorically._ ”

“...theynevergettiredandcangoforever, _yes._ ” She clenched her fist in success, and allowed herself a moment to revel.

Alicia shoved her. Lightly. Sort of.

Elyza busted out laughing, and as hard as the brunette was trying to push away the reluctant smirk she already had on her face, it was no use and she joined in as well.

“I hate you, you big dork.”

“Do you, though?” she arched her brow, amusement clearly written on her face.

 _Stop looking at me with that smug grin. ~~God it’s so sexy fnaiofjiafnh.~~_ As much as the brunette would’ve liked to say that it was _annoyance_ that was turning inside of her, she was afraid that it was something more along the lines of _affection._

Yeah, she would _like_ to think it was just a hunch, but deep down she knew she was ankle deep in gay feelings, and she was only getting deeper and deeper with each day that passed in Elyza’s company.

Oh, did she think it was _affection?_ _That_ was an understatement. Usually people likened love to having your breath taken away, or being enveloped in an all-consuming flame. This was more like if a big gay asteroid was hurtling towards Earth, and smashed right into it, blowing it into smithereens. While Taylor Swift or Maroon 5 are playing in the background.

...Maybe the metaphor needed a little work.

 _The point was_ no, she did not hate Elyza by any means. It didn’t matter if she was looking at her with sadness or worry, or if she was grinning or smirking at her, because either way Alicia was melting on the inside in different ways.

“I don’t know, _do I?”_ She shot the blonde a smirk of her own and began to drank from the water bottle. _Nice deflection._

“Gee, I hope not. If you hated me, that’d make it pretty difficult to lay you. Then again, the hate sex would be pretty awesome.”

 _Of course_ , she had to say that when she was mid-gulp. Immediately she choked and began to cough and splutter, and even if the blonde was laughing at her suffering, it was appreciated that she began to pat her on the back.

“Fuck you,” Alicia rasped.

“Ohhh my God,” Elyza cackled. “You’re so easy to mess with! Shit’s adorable as fuck.” She pulled the younger woman into a one armed hug, resting her chin atop her head and squeezing her shoulder.

 _My heart’s just beating really fast because I almost died. That’s all. Yep._ Not at all because of Elyza’s close proximity and the body contact and…

“Just be careful, I don’t want you to die before we even set foot outside.” She grinned and went back to packing her bag.

Alicia very pointedly ignored the swelling in her chest that dropped when she pulled away.

The world’s gone to pieces, everyone’s dead, and yet _somehow_ she wasn’t sure what she was more concerned with; the walkers, other humans who might end up being assholes, or trying to contain the overwhelming and rapidly growing yearning for her travel companion.

 _Fuck._ You know what, she was going to blame this one on teenage hormones mixed with loss, mixed with the increasingly shitty diet she’s had to live on.

Solid plan.

~~This was all going to end terribly.~~

 

* * *

 

“You’re going to let me have a gun?”

“ _Fuck no._ But I’m gonna show you how to shoot one just in case.”

“What’s the point if you’re not going to give me a gun?” Alicia scowled.

“I’ll give you one _eventually_ , when you’ve gotten more of a chance to practice. But I want to at least make sure you won’t shoot yourself in the face if something happens and you need to use one. Helps to be prepared.”

They’d just left the convenience store for good and had walked out onto the main road when Elyza made the suggestion of showing her the basics. Their bags were set off to the side and leaning against a wall while they made the quick stop.

“Here.” She held out a pistol with her left-hand. “Take it with whichever hand you use.”

The brunette simply did as she was told, all the while arching a brow at her.

“Okay… and then you put your other hand around the handle like this…” Elyza took her hands to guide them properly, while Alicia was struggling to maintain her disaffected and detached expression. “Alright, so… Hmm, let’s see… Oh! There’s one. Over here.” She placed her hands on her shoulder and turned her around to face down the street where there was a walker several hundred feet away.

When she realized what the blonde was steering her attention towards, she jumped slightly.

“What?” Elyza chuckled. “It’ll take like five minutes before it gets anywhere close. ‘Sides, I’ll protect you,” she promised with a flirty tilt of her voice.

“I’m not… I’m just… used to running away from them, not staring at them head on,” she grumbled.

“Well, in the end that’s a good thing. Gotta keep your wits about you. Once you get too comfortable you put yourself in danger. But at any rate, here.” She repositioned herself behind Alicia, drawing her hands towards her arms and directed them upwards into the proper shooting position. “So you gotta hold it up like that… then you’re gonna look down the sight of the gun with your good eye…”

Was this reality’s way of playing some kind of cruel joke on her? What was this right now? She was pretty sure this was the setup to some kind of niche porno, right? No?

Alicia was paying attention. _Honest._ It was just a little difficult when Elyza was basically hugging her from behind. Her chest was pressed into her back, and her lips were right beside her ear. With each word and breath that tickled her skin, she had to resist shivering.

A part of her was wondering if the blonde was messing with her. She glanced to the side, and as far as she could tell, Elyza was being 100% serious, which actually warmed her up to her _even more._ It was so endearing how she was going through these steps to teach her properly, and honestly? This was another side of her Alicia hadn’t seen before; she was so genuinely earnest and caring, and against the black markings, the lightness in her blue eyes shone so brightly it caught her off-guard.

“...You got all that?”

“Huh? Oh. Uh. ...Yeah.”

“We’re only gonna fire one round, just so you can get a feel for it. Unfortunately ammo’s in short supply these days, who would’ve fuckin’ known, huh?” Elyza smirked. “So, just aim and squeeze the trigger.”

Her chin was resting atop Alicia’s shoulder again, and _God it would be so easy to just turn a little bit and kiss her right then. What would she taste like?_ ~~Well, considering they’d been eating the same shit, that was a dumb question. Were Snickers bars romantic? Not exactly, but did she care? Absolutely not.~~ Alicia knew that right now was _not_ the time to be thinking about how she wanted to suck on Elyza’s lips and hold her face in her hands and...

Never in her life had she imagined that she’d want to kiss a girl who was teaching her how to shoot a gun while a reanimated cannibalistic corpse was stalking towards them.

This was _definitely_ the premise of some kinky pornos.

“Alicia? You okay?”

“Uh. Y-yeah.” She swallowed thickly, hoping Elyza couldn’t feel her heartbeat going crazy.

“Take your time, but you might wanna fire before it… you know, gets here,” she teased lightly.

“R...ight,” she mumbled. She stared down the sight, lining it up with the decaying body lumbering towards them slowly. She may or may not be stalling this out as long as she could, just so she could continue to enjoy Elyza’s arms up against hers, and the warmth her closeness offered.

“And then you just squeeze,” the blonde whispered into her ear.

She drew a breath and held it just as she pulled back the trigger. The bullet exploded out of the barrel and glanced off the side of the walker’s face.

“Shit,” she exhaled quietly.

“Don’t beat yourself up, you did fine.” Elyza grinned. “Guns are great and all, but you gotta worry about ammo and the noise… When there’s not many, I think it’s better to save your ammo.” She pulled out something small made out of black metal. It became obvious what it is when she clicked a switch on it, and a blade folded out, snapping into place.

“Think I can hit it from here?” She raised her brow at Alicia and tossed the knife into the air a couple times, catching it by the handle, all the while smiling widely. “Good luck kiss?”

The brunette sighed. “Yes, the walker is blown away by your swagger. If you show off a little more, it’ll swoon so hard it’ll fall over.” _Was it kind of hot? Maybe._ The day she admitted that to her would be the same day they consummated their imaginary relationship. _Which would be never._

“Damn, that walker’s flirty. Sorry, not into necrophilia. I am into a lot of other stuff, though.” Elyza winked at Alicia before throwing the blade, which spun solidly for the remaining thirty feet before the blade pierced and sunk into the skull. The creature staggered and stopped completely, and in the next moments collapsed onto the asphalt. “Congratulation kiss?” She grinned cheekily at her companion.

Alicia rolled her eyes and shoved the gun into her hands. “Hard pass.” She headed towards the wall their things were and slung a backpack over her shoulders, as well as picking up the crowbar she’d been given to defend herself.

“You’re lucky you’re cute.” Elyza stepped besides her to gather her things as well.

“Pretty sure I’m lucky you’re thirsty.”

“Who says it can’t be both?”

“I’m flattered,” Alicia deadpanned and immediately turned around to walk away.

“Wait, let me get my knife back! Shit doesn’t grow on trees, y’know.”

“You are so _needy_ ,” she teased, looking back and smirking at the blonde.

“Oh, trust me, I can show you _plenty_ of things I need.”

“ _Ugh._ ”

 

* * *

 

Having decided to go to Las Vegas the night before, the plan now was to find a map so they knew _how_ to get there. There was a grocery store and a Target several blocks down, and as they headed there, they rummaged through some smaller stores but to no avail.

Elyza had handed the knife to Alicia. The crowbar would be preferable to defend with since it had a longer reach, but it never hurt to be well-armed. As they walked, she turned it around and flipped the blade in and out, all the while getting used to the heft of the weapon.

There was something _familiar_ about holding the metal handle. It fit so comfortably in her hand, and yet… it wasn’t like she went around playing with combat knives growing up. But something about it was just _safe._

“So how do you know how to shoot guns and throw knives? You live out in the woods as a Bear Woman?”

Elyza laughed lightly. Each time Alicia looked over and saw those black marks like claws slashing across her face, there was that nagging, tickling in her brain again.

_What was that?_

“Nah. My dad used to take me to the range to shoot. You know, just for fun. We didn’t own any. And the friends I’d been living with liked having guns.” She shrugged. “Guess it’s pretty fortunate, eh?”

“Mmhmm.” A comfortable haze cast over her mind as she lost herself in the strange nostalgia. As they continued walking, her hands were moving automatically, flicking the blade in and out and tossing it in the air lightly, successfully catching it by the handle each time without even realizing it.

They both walked in silence, seemingly lost in their own thoughts and reflecting on a past that never existed.

“...Hey,” Elyza spoke up softly, her solemn eyes clouded over.

“Hm?” In a swift movement, Alicia caught the handle one more time and tucked the blade away, with neither of them batting an eye.

“That dream you had today? The one where you…” Her brow scrunched in pain, like the words would physically hurt her to say.

“...Yeah?” Alicia asked, softly urging her on.

“Uh. Yeah. It was… you said it felt real, right? Did it… feel like more than a dream? Was it almost like a memory?” Her eyes darted to the side. “Like something you’ve lived before…”

Her eyes widened slightly. “No, yeah… That’s exactly what it felt like. How come?”

Elyza scoffed with a bitter amusement. “You’re gonna think I’m crazy, just a warning.” She paused a moment, hesitating. “I’ve had dreams like that before too. A lot of different ones, but there’s one that fucks me up pretty badly… There’s someone in front of me, and they’re dying. And it’s… I dunno, the images aren’t ever really clear? All I know is that it’s someone I loved. Love?” She shook her head. “And my hands are covered in their blood, because they’ve been shot.” Her eyes stay focused forwards, not daring to look towards Alicia when she admits those words. Even quieter, she practically whispers, “Every time, I can’t save them, and they die.”

And in that moment, Alicia stops walking, her head swirling with memories she never knew. There are words and voices, but she can’t distinguish what they’re saying. All she recognizes is the desperation and heartbreak of someone she cares about. Not just _care_ , it was something more than that, something so overwhelming it was difficult to wrap her mind fully around it, but it wasn’t scary… It was calming. Soothing. Everything she ever wanted or needed.

“...licia? Hey? Are you okay?” A hand shook her shoulder with increasing urgency, and she blinked and shook her head to clear the fog in her mind. She wasn’t sure what happened in the past few minutes, but she found herself slumping into the side of one of the buildings. “Do you need to rest?” Elyza frowned worriedly.

“Uh… N...o. No, sorry. I don’t know what just happened… Just… the sun, I guess,” she mumbled, straightening herself out.

“We can stop. It’s fine.”

“No, no. I’m good. Seriously. Let’s keep going.” And when her eyes passed over her companion’s face once more, something she’d equate to _love_ washed over her. It wasn’t the same as the physical attraction she’d experienced multiple times within the past few days, it was something much deeper.

And to the person she was _right now_ , it was terrifying, but there was a strange knowing in the back of her mind that assured her everything was fine. _This was normal._

Okay, but _was it?_

“God, those SpaghettiOs got me all kinds of fucked up,” she muttered as she continued forward.

An awkward silence hung over them in the next few moments. Alicia was still trying to gather herself after that episode, and she was just… _tired._ She just wanted things to be normal again, where the most dramatic thing happening was getting another phone call from the hospital. What she was working towards for her future was set in stone, and now it was just… She had no idea.

Elyza cleared her throat. “Sorry.”

“Huh?”

“About the weird shit I said.”

Alicia shook her head. “It’s fine. I mean, it is crazy, but at least if I’m losing my mind I don’t have to do it alone.” She scoffed. _Apparently it runs in the family._

“Well, yeah. It’s you and me from here on out, partner.” The blonde grinned.

She smirked back, relieved that, at least for now, she didn’t have to fear Elyza leaving her behind. They already had enough to think about presently; it was best to worry about the future when it came.

Though… “What’s the end of all of this? I mean, obviously to survive, but… We can’t just wander from store to store hoping to scavenge the rest of our lives.”

Elyza shrugged. “Ideally, us humans get our shit together and rebuild society.”

“And what’s the likeliness of us running into a group with enough organization and variety of skillsets for that to happen?” She cocked a brow.

“No idea. I can say from past experiences that the probability of us running into bad apples is way, way higher though.” She smirked. “It’s all Mad Max out here. Uh. Without the cars.”

“‘From past experiences,’ huh?”

“It’s been an eventful few weeks. If you really wanna know, I’ll tell you later, but for now…” She gestured towards the Target that lay just ahead of them. They get a little closer before setting their bags to the side. A small group of walkers lumbered around the entrance like Black Friday shoppers lining up on Thanksgiving afternoon.

Reflex _~~from what?~~_ took over, and Alicia easily twirled the crowbar in her hand. As fear and adrenaline began pumping through her veins, her breath caught in her chest. _It’s fine. You can do this. They’re slower than you._

“Hey,” Elyza said softly. The brunette looked over, her companion meeting her with gentle blue eyes. Even with the stupid warpaint, it still relaxed her. “You can wait here while I clear it out.”

She shook her head. “No. I’ll come. I need to learn.”

The blonde smiled. “Just aim for the head. I got you.”

Alicia nodded.

Elyza strode ahead first, sounding a loud whistle and attracting the corpses towards her. She casually walked towards them with her axe hefted over her shoulder. When the first one shambled within reach, she automatically sliced sideways in a wide sweeping motion and nailed it right in the face with a sick squish.

She wasted no actions and grabbed the handle with both hands, kicking off the body then turning to do the same to its shopping buddies.

_Okay. Okay. Don’t choke. They’re all around Elyza right now, and she can definitely handle herself, but if she gets mauled to death because you choked you’d never be able to live with that._

Alicia took a few deep breaths, mentally psyching herself up before she took quick steps towards the back of a walker, and with both hands gripping the crowbar tightly, swung it as hard as possible. The curved end pierced the skull-- _OhGodthisissogrossfuckshitfuckingfuck_ \-- and the body slumped over. She tried to keep a tight grip on it, but with it still jammed tightly in its skull and the body’s heavy weight falling over, it slipped out of her grasp.

Elyza was making quick work of the rest, but there was one that turned its attention towards Alicia and began to shuffle over.

“Shit--” She reached for the handle, and stepped on the double dead corpse’s face as she hurriedly, and with much panic tried to wedge it out. The aggressive hissing and grunting of the creature grew louder, and her eyes darted between the crowbar-- _fuckingshitfuckdidIjamitinevenmore???_ \--and the abomination.

 _Fuck this._ Its hands were about to lunge for her, but at the last second she pulled the combat knife out of her pocket and quickly flicked out the blade, jamming and twisting it in its skull. It stilled and began to fall forward, but Alicia quickly scrambled backwards to avoid catching it with her body.

She stared down at the two corpses and was wildly aware of the sweat on her palms and her anxiety firing up her nerves. If they shambled back up, she would be ready to punch it in its face. Probably.

But as one… two… three seconds dragged by and they remained still, she let out a long exhale.

“You okay?” Elyza walked towards her, her axe in hand with the blade covered in gore.

Unable to choke up the words, Alicia simply nodded.

“Damn, lookit you!” She kicked the bodies lightly with the toe of her boot. “I knew you were spunky.”

The brunette rolled her eyes and kneeled down to retrieve the knife, all the while trying not to throw up on the walkers. This had been the closest she’d ever gotten to one, and while the smell of rotting corpses was ambient, it was much stronger when you were right next to one. She gripped the handle tightly and held her breath as she slide the knife out. The weak flesh gave way to the blade, squelching grossly as it passed through once more.

“Seriously, are you okay? You look like you’re gonna lose your lunch. Or, well. Late breakfast? Brunch? Nah, it wasn’t really fancy enough to be brunch...”

As much as Alicia wanted to stare pointedly at Elyza, she was currently focused on keeping her late breakfast inside of her and directed all her attention on what she was doing. She quickly wiped the blade on the walker’s clothes before withdrawing it and sticking it in her pocket. And now that she was kind of put together, she easily unhooked the crowbar and stood back up.

Elyza arched a brow at her.

“I’m fine. Really.”

“Alright well, try not to get sick while fighting a walker, else you might choke or somethin’.”

“Solid advice, I should tip you.”

“Yeah, maybe later.” She winked. “For now let’s see if we can loot any spoils.”

 

* * *

 

After they’d gathered their things, they entered the store and decided to stay together while looking down separate, neighboring aisles.

Unsurprisingly, the store was trashed and empty.

“Anything on your end?” Alicia called out.

“Nah--oh wait!”

“What is it?”

“Awww, shit. I found a Milky Way!”

The brunette sighed. “And here I was afraid our time would be wasted,” she mumbled, continuing down the aisle and sweeping her hand through the shelves.

The store was eerily still and silent, and unexpectedly there were no echoes of threatening, guttural cries.

But her stomach wouldn’t stop churning at the unsettling atmosphere. She glanced backwards just to make certain there was no one there besides Elyza, and despite the coast being clear, she couldn’t shake the disquieting nagging in her mind. There was a part of her, deep in her heart or soul or whatever the fuck, that was urging her to be cautious. That _this was not safe._

_Just calm down. There’s no one here._

Alicia drew a shaky breath.

“Elyza?” she called out for reassurance.

“Yeah?”

She sighed in relief. “Noth--”

“Aw, _fuck._ ”

For a split second she was stunned as a deafening clang vibrated from the other side of the shelf that Elyza was on.

“Fuck off, man! Shit’s my Milky Way!” In the next moment, there was a clacking sound, and she could hear a man’s grunts.

“Elyza?” Alicia whispered, briefly unable to find her voice. “Elyza?!” She made long strides to the end of the aisle and quickly turned to her companion. Further down she saw the back of a man wielding a shovel and swinging wildly as the blonde parried with the handle of her axe. At the last exchange of blows, he quickly flicked the handle upwards, connecting roughly with her chin. She staggered backwards, and her assailant reached forward to grab her arm, and roughly twisted her wrist.

_Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck._

Alicia didn’t know what the fuck happened. Her body moved on its own, like muscle memory. She vaguely recalled their walk on the way here, or that moment she panickedly stabbed the walker. It was like some part of her that was buried so deep she didn’t even know it existed guided her movements. In one swift motion, the blade was in her hand, and that deep part of her that didn’t exist, yet ran through her veins already sized up the weight of the weapon, and how hard to throw it.

It all happened within a second.. Before she’d even registered the knife was in her hand, it was already flying through the air and in the next instant, the blade pierced the back of the man’s neck.

He let out a cry, but as one of his hands reflexively reached backwards to remove the blade, Elyza took the opportunity to kick him square in the stomach and rammed the end of the handle into his nose.

Alicia didn’t even get to exhale before she noticed the wide-eyed look her companion was directing towards her.

It all happened at once; her pivoting too late, the forceful blow that knocked the wind and her consciousness out of her, and Elyza calling for her.

Before it went completely dark, there was one thought that drifted through her mind.

_Fuck, guys. It’s just a Milky Way._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx everyone for reading&your patience. <3 i am so sorry i am super slow. i am not the most disciplined writer. ~~also i have like 5 different things i'm writing at the same time~~


	5. all i see is you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elyza and Alicia have a really terrible day. But along the way, they made a new friend! And also piss off a lot of people. And almost die a few times. It's just an all-around, not so great day for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **cw:** ohhhh my godddddd so many... lexa's death, death in general, shit gets violent like very violent, blood, bad men making threats, guns and shit, mentions of abuse, etc etc. look. this is not such a happy chapter yall. it is dark and angsty and very in the realm of twd. so just be warned if you can't handle that type of stuff.
> 
> ps: i know nothing about medical stuff a lot of this is google research.  
> pps: sorry if there are more mistakes than usual my brain is tired

The end of the world was simultaneously the best and shittiest thing Elyza had ever experienced. It was shitty for the obvious reasons of course, but if she had to pick the top three reasons they would be:

  1. It was really hard to get laid during the apocalypse. Not because she didn’t have game, because _come on now_ she could get whoever she wanted. But picking someone up at a bar and having a one night stand was different than sleeping with a stranger who may or may not want to kill you and take your shit.
  2. What happened when all the peanut butter M&Ms were gone? _What then?_
  3. Looking up sheet music for ukulele covers was easier with the internet.



Actually, there were a lot of cons to modern society being obliterated. Who would’ve imagined that?

But was it crazy that she was okay with all of that? If the dead hadn’t come back to life and started going Hungry, Hungry Hippos on everyone’s ass, she would’ve never met Alicia.

Alicia Clark.

_God._

It didn’t matter if she had to start writing original ukulele songs, or if there were only plain M&Ms left, or… When this next thought actually went through her head, she almost had a heart attack because it was so _unthinkable_ , but the more she let it sit in her noggin, the more she realized how true it was.

She would never lay another person if it meant she had Alicia.

_~~Look, that was The Best Compliment Elyza could ever give to anyone romantically/sexually.~~ _

So when the last thing she saw was a broad-shouldered guy roll up next to her companion and wind back to punch her with his fucking big-ass Mickey Mouse hands, Elyza was kind of irritated. (Read: There was an anger that combusted in her chest, ignited by those thoughts and feelings from a life she didn’t understand and never lived. The thoughts that told her she desperately needed Alicia and loved her, and the most intimidating and comforting thing was that she couldn’t deny it. There was no logic, there was only a truth that was bigger than her. Her love and her rage and her dread burned through her.)

“ _Hey, dickweed!_ Why don’t you fuck off back to Disneyland?” ~~Yo, there was an idea, they should take a field trip to an amusement park and raid it for cotton candy.~~ She stepped towards him, anxious to get the man away from Alicia and bring them to safety. But before she could even take two steps forward, another slimmer, taller man appeared at the end of the next aisle over. He rushed over with his lithe legs, poised to stab her with the long, hunting knife in his grip.

“Fuckin’ wankstain,” she muttered. Before he was within reach, Elyza reached down for the discarded shovel and snatched it up, swinging it as soon as he was within reach and connecting roughly against his face with a dull clang. The blow vibrated down her arm, forcing her to drop it.

As Wankstain dropped to the floor, a shadow was cast over her from behind. Instantly she whipped around, releasing her grip on the axe and tightened her hand into a fist. As she shot back up to her feet, she pushed all the momentum into the punch. A sick crack sounded when her knuckles collided against his jaw. The man stumbled backwards several steps as he gathered his bearings.

Elyza’s face was throbbing. There were still tremors in her right arm, and now she wasn’t entirely certain if her left-hand was broken or not; his face was much harder than she expected.

_This assface must really love his milk. Bet he fucking carts around a cow._

But while all this was occurring, Dickweed had made his way over and a heavy force rushed into her body, the impact colliding into her harshly all at once. Before she could even retaliate, or at least make a snappy comment, his fist busted right into her middle and knocked her out.

_Fuck. No._

She swam in the darkness of her mind, uncertain of how long she’d been unconscious. As Elyza regained her senses, the dull throb of her entire body was one of the first she recognized. The next was her body not responding to her will. Her mouth was dry, and as the seconds passed a panic trickled into her veins and rapidly engulfed her.

_Alicia. Where is she? What happened? Oh God, I need to find her. I need to get her out of here. I can’t lose her--What if she’s hurt? Nononono. I need to wake up. I need--I can’t--Please be okay--_

“Alicia!” Elyza gasped and her eyes shot open. There was only a bit of light that shone through a small cellar window in the far corner. Judging by the faded brightness, the sun was setting… She glanced around, noting the pipes and columns and beside her was a slumped over figure.

“Alicia?” She was unconscious and her head was hanging forward, her hair partially covering her face. Her arms were tied behind her back and wrapped around a beam that seemed to support a stairwell? Elyza immediately realized she was in the same position, but before she could further contemplate the situation a small voice cut into her thoughts.

“She’ll be okay. She’ll probably wake up soon.” Her attention shot towards the source of the soft words, and in the shadows she could make out a young man. Like them, he was tied down. His hoodie and jeans were dirtied and worn, and his dirty blond? hair was matted with drying blood that had dripped down into his face. He was young, probably around 14 or 15, but definitely no older than 16.

“And who’re you?” she rasped, the words roughly and painfully scraping against her throat.

He didn’t respond immediately. There was a hesitation and wariness in his eyes, but she simply met it with her own cocked brow. Eventually he resigned and said quietly, “Aden.”

“Elyza.” She nodded a greeting towards him. “You got any idea where the fuck we are? Or where our shit is? Actually--did the guys who dragged us down here have a Milky Way?”

His eyes widened slightly. “Uh… I don’t… Um. Well. I don’t… sorry. And. I don’t think so?” he scrunched up his face in confusion.

“Fuck. FuckingshitfuckcockfuckDICKS.” She pounded the back of her head against the support beam. Elyza glanced over and saw the fearful look Aden was giving her. “Sorry. Frustrated.”

He gave a small nod.

 _I need to find a way out of here._ Her eyes drifted towards Alicia, and a throbbing sadness gripped her heart. _I’ll get us out of here. I won’t let anything happen to you._ She was reminded of their conversation from before when they were talking about their dreams, and she squeezed her eyes shut as the images from her dreams threatened to flood her mind.

_So many people she failed to save. So many people she loved, and their blood was on her hands. But there was one that cut deeper into her than the others. She was hovering helplessly over someone quickly approaching their expiration date, and her hands were shaking uncontrollably as she tried to stop the bleeding. A gunshot._

Pain was pounding and reverberated through every nerve inside of her, and she sucked in a deep breath. It was crazy, wasn’t it? How did their dreams connect like that? It must have something to do with her sudden and immense attachment to Alicia, right?

Shit, she couldn’t think about this right now. It hurt too much.

 _Just breathe. She’s not dead. She’s just asleep. She’ll be fine. You’ll get her out of here._ But despite her mental affirmations, Elyza still needed several moments to steady her breathing..

While her eyes were closed, their was a stirring beside her, and a soft groan.

“Worst Black Friday shopping trip ever…”

“Alicia?” the blonde asked with a soft gasp.

“Hey. ...Where are we?” The brunette looked around, eyes widening slightly when she saw the young man who was their hostage buddy. The two looked at each other with similarly confused and questioning expressions, and Elyza observed them, not quite certain what was unfolding before her.

The room fell into a comfortable, warm silence.

“Uh,” the blonde cleared her throat after several moments. “That’s Aden. This is Alicia.”

“Hey. Are you okay?” her partner asked the younger teen softly.

He nodded shyly. “You?”

Alicia shrugged. “Been better but all considering, this could’ve gone way worse.” She glanced over briefly and cocked a brow at Elyza, before turning her attention back towards Aden. Worry clouded and darkened her green eyes. “How did you get here? Did they… did they do anything to you?”

The boy shook his head. “No… not. Not to me.” Unable to meet their gazes, he squeezed his eyes shut and hung his head.

Elyza glanced between the two, noting how Alicia leaned towards him slightly, no doubt wanting to offer him some kind of comfort. Unfortunately they were tied up, but while the other two talked, that was something the blonde could work on.

She pressed the heel of her boot into the ground and pulled it back to slide it off slowly.

“I’m sorry,” the brunette murmured sympathetically. Sadness hung in the moment of silence before she continued. “Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to, if you don’t want. But… I-- _we’ll_ listen. I know it’s not much…” She trailed off, a deflated look on her face.

Blue eyes darted to the right, but her own words of consolation got caught in her throat. _It’s not your fault. There’s nothing else you can do. You don’t have to save ever...y...one…_ Elyza swallowed deliberately and squeezed her eyes shut, pushing back the wave of nausea and deja vu.

_Fuck. **Focus.**_

Her boot clattered quietly to the floor, as Aden shakily began to speak.

“Be...before all of this… all the walkers, I lived in a group home.” He sucked in a breath, his voice already getting thicker. “I liked it. It was better than other places I’d been.” All of his words were soft, almost fearful. “Everyone was really nice. It kind of was like a family.”

Alicia listened intently, her eyes never drifting away from the young man.

“The workers… the adults. They went out first to find help. But they never came back.” His watery eyes glazed over as he recalled the memories. “We stayed inside the house. But then we ran out of food. The older kids… They wouldn’t let me--they told me to stay and take care of the young ones.” His voice cracked and his face wrenched up in pain as tears made their way down his cheeks. “The first few times they came back. The last time t-they didn’t. That was the same day those men came and--I don’t know. They started yelling, and I tried to push them away, tried to get the kids out. I told them to run. But they couldn’t.” Aden’s frame shuddered with quiet sobs. “I never saw them again.”

“T...they’ll be okay. We’ll find them--” Alicia’s reassuring words were cut off by his frantic head shaking.

“No… they’re gone. I know they are. I heard them talking… If the kids were still alive, they’d be here with us. But they’re not.”

“They could be in another room somewhere--”

“They’re dead.” Aden choked the words out. “Or they will be.” He kept shaking his head.

She watched him, her brow furrowed in worry and her green eyes swirling with concern and pain for the young man. _The boy._

Elyza had managed to push the small knife she had in her shoe towards her hands and was _very awkwardly_ trying to cut through the rope. She half-listened to the story, looking up briefly to catch the look on their anguished faces.

Even as she clumsily cut into her own skin by accident as she attempted to slice through the rope, her grim countenance remained.

Several moments dragged in the smothering silence as Aden quietly cried to himself, and Alicia watched with a mix of fury that was only smothered by her immense sorrow.

“...Bait.” The word came out shakily, caught between a sob and a sniffle.

“What?”

“Bait. They’re using… used. My family as bait. The kids… for the dead.” Aden gritted his teeth, trying to hold back his suffering cries.

Even after the sharp gasp beside her, Elyza kept her icy eyes on the floor as her hand worked automatically. She was always determined to get Alicia out of this safely, and as soon as she realized the boy was among their ragtag group of kidnapees, knew that he was coming along as well. What was still up in the air however, was how she was going to deal with Dickweed and Co. The safest, easiest thing to do was to cut their bindings and bounce as soon as possible, maybe grab their things if it was a viable option.

But _damn_ if she didn’t want to kick those dudes’ faces in so hard they’d be shitting teeth for days afterwards.

Now though... there was a deep desire ~~maybe even an obligation~~ to deal with their captors more permanently.

 

* * *

 

_It had all gone so wrong._

_This was why you just stuck with your own._

_But there would be time for regrets later. When some asshole wasn’t holding a 12 year-old at gunpoint._

_It was hard to make out their faces in the night, but their minds could fill in the details easily enough. The man with the unwashed hair who was constantly wide-eyed and fearful had a vicelike grip around the girl’s neck as he stepped backwards away from the group. She bit down on her lips to keep silent, but her wide, teary eyes were crying for help._

_“Pete… calm the fuck down, mate. Just let her go and we’ll talk this shit out, alright?” Elyza spoke slowly and carefully, holding her hands out as if trying to calm a spooked animal. Behind her was the rest of the group, including the parents, who were more than willing to let her handle the situation. After all, they didn’t know what to do. Somehow she just sort of fell into the position._

_Shit man. She hadn’t asked for this._

_“That’s a lie. You’re lying. You’re going to leave me behind.”_

_The most pathetic thing was that the kid with the gun pressed into her skull was shaking and crying less than the coward holding her hostage._

_“We’re all just trying to survive this thing together, right? We’re all friends here.” Elyza had known these people for a week, tops. “Put down the gun, alright?” She stepped forward cautiously, the grass crunching underneath her feet._

_Before she could even bring her second foot forward, he fired a warning shot that echoed through the park._

_“No! Fuck off!”_

_Goddamn it. She sighed through her gritted teeth. In the past ten minutes since this shitshow started, they’d made too much noise. This was it. They were fucked._

_The guttural hisses and moans were only getting closer, and the shadows in the trees behind the panicked man were shifting and changing with movement._

_“Your mouth was always too fucking big, Pete.”_

 

* * *

 

“It’s what dudes like them do. Pick off the weakest links because they think they’re smart,” Elyza muttered darkly and wearing a bitter grin. “But really, they’re fucked up chickenshits who bully kids.”

The tightness around her wrists finally gave and she quickly pulled away, hissing slightly in pain as the bindings cut into her new wounds. Her arms were sore from the unnatural position they’d been forced into, but her joints cracked in celebration. With urgency she slid over to Alicia and carefully sliced through her bindings as well.

“Thanks,” she mumbled. Her eyes were downcast, but Elyza could see the dark thoughts that rumbled inside of them as she processed the new information.

_Your eyes always gave you away._

Immediately she swallowed back the familiar and foreign pulse of nostalgia and pulled Alicia into a one armed hug. She buried her face into her hair and kissed the top of her head lightly, automatically, and hoped the other girl wouldn’t notice.

When she pulled away, Elyza wasn’t sure if she imagined the fleeting grip on her shirt quietly begging her to stay longer.

Turning towards Aden, she murmured reassurances as she cut through the rope, “It’s going to be okay.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t exactly a truth, either. She was just saying what she thought needed to be said to keep them moving forward.

Which was the hard part, because she had no fucking clue what the next step was.

Well. Elyza wanted her boot back, at least.

“What now?” The young man asked quietly.

The blonde leaned against the wall as she worked to pull her shoe back on. “No fucking clue. Look, I know I’m amazing and super awesome--”

“The humility could use some work,” Alicia deadpanned.

“--but before the world ended I was a 19 year-old apprenticing at a tattoo parlor, jacking cars, and with the surprising amount free time I had, spent it watching tutorial videos on YouTube. Too bad we can’t get out of this shit by cooking tiny pancakes, yeah?”

Elyza glanced around the quickly darkening room as the daylight that streamed through the window was steadily fading into night. _We could wait for them to come down and surprise attack ‘em. Or we could just head up there ourselves… I mean, either way we have no idea what we’re walking into. Fuck???_

“Wait, so what do they want with _us?_ ” Alicia looked between Elyza and Aden, the former was unresponsive as she thought through their situation.

Aden shook his head. “I don’t know. They… I think they said something about using me for work? That’s why…” His words grew quiet and he swallowed dryly. “That’s part of the reason they didn’t… didn’t keep the kids. Something about ‘em being too young to work.” He exhaled shakily and dropped his watery eyes towards the ground.

Silently, the brunette stepped towards the young man and pulled him into a tight hug. He buried his face into her shoulder and breathed deeply, making small, twisted noises as he held back his tears.

“Keepin’ us locked up down here ‘til they’re ready to transport us?” Elyza guessed, shrugging. _If that’s the case, then the next time they come down here it could be all of ‘em ready to knock us out again. Fuck that. We’re blowin’ this popsicle stand._

She slinked through the basement and up the stairs. “Fuck. Okay. It’s just a door. I got this shit,” she mumbled to herself.

“Elyza?” Alicia whispered. “Where are you going?”

“Out. Do either of you guys have a credit card on you?”

“My mom forgot to give me her card when I went out into the apocalyptic wasteland, sorry,” she responded drolly.

“Look, a _no_ would’ve sufficed. Snippy…” she grumbled under her breath as she patted down her pockets and searched through her jacket. As she did so, the other two stepped up behind her and watched silently.

“Oh--wait…” She dug through an inside pocket and pulled out a Starbucks giftcard. “Fuck yeah!” she cheered quietly. “I think I had like, two dollars left on this thing. That’s too bad. Do you think if we bring it up to Seattle they’ll compensate the remaining balance?”

 _God, I hope they don’t hear us..._ Elyza wished to herself before sliding the plastic in between the frame and very, very carefully worked to wiggle it around, feeling her way towards the latch bolt.

Several moments passed in silence as she picked the lock, until Alicia spoke up in surprise. “...Is that what you meant when you said you were _sort of_ a tattoo artist?”

“What?” The blonde turned slightly so the brunette could see her cocked eyebrow and questioning eyes before returning her attention towards the door.

“You said you stole cars?” Even in the hushed tones, her bewilderment was evident. “ _That’s_ what you meant when you said you had to ‘take on different jobs to make ends meet’???”

“Oh, is _that_ what you got out of it? No, I illicitly upsold tiny waffles and churros in the backalleys of LA-- _yes, I stole cars._ ” She hissed. “Do we need to have this conversation _right now?”_ Before Alicia could respond though, the lock clicked slightly as it gave way to the giftcard. She was certain all three of them went dead silent, even going as far as to hold their breaths as she slowly turned the knob and cracked the door open.

It was a small rectangular room. On one side was an open entryway that connected the room to another, and on the other side was a row of mailboxes. In the middle were two men she recognized as Dickweed and Wankstain. Luckily they were only equipped with melee weapons, no doubt to save on ammo and to keep the noise level down.

Okay. _Okay. You can do this. Shit. Shitshitshit._ Elyza sucked in a deep breath and glanced back towards the others, holding a finger to her lips and mouthed _stay here_. She slid her hand into her pocket and tightly gripped the knife that was slick with her sweat and her blood. Carefully she nudged the door open and crept forward, hoping she wouldn’t draw their attention.

 _This is so fucked. So triple fucked with extra cheese for an additional fifty cents. Fuck. Fuuuuck._ Elyza squeezed her eyes shut and breathed in and out twice to steel her nerves.

_Fuck it. YOLO. ~~Actually that wasn’t really true anymore, was it?~~_

She burst from their corner of the room and tackled the one closest--who turned out to be Dickweed with his trusty shovel, and she immediately knocked him onto the tiled floor with her. He grunted loudly when his heavy weight pounded into the floor, as the shovel clattered out of his hand. The surprise attack caught him off-guard, and he was a second too late on the uptake. Elyza flicked out the small pocket knife, and strengthened by her rushing adrenaline, struck down into his hand and nailed it into the floor with the blade. He cried loudly, and there was an immediate, reactionary surge of dread that she could not dwell on as Wankstain turned towards her.

At least he was smart enough not to bring a knife to an axe and shovel fight this time.

But now she was the asshole using a shovel to fend off a sword.

Elyza reached for the dropped weapon ~~it’s a fucking farm tool it is _ **not a weapon**_~~ and swiftly swung it upwards to parry the blade. The good news was the blade was an old, worn down piece of shit. The bad news was _she was still using a fucking shovel._

 _“Fuck off_ ,” she growled through her teeth and put all her force into shoving him backwards. The lanky man was pushed off balance, offering her a reprieve to get back on her feet. She stepped forward with her shovel in mid-swing, but suddenly a heavy weight grabbed her ankle and yanked her towards the floor; the shovel slipped from her grip and out of her reach.

_Dickweed._

While one of his hands was still stabbed into the floor, the other was still free. Elyza glared at him with narrow eyes, and he returned it with a wild stare and a toothy grin as sweat rolled down his face profusely.

“I can’t wait to fuck you up,” he breathed heavily. “Right after I make you watch what _I do to your friend--_ ” As soon as he started speaking she already knew where he was going and acted automatically, kicking him in the face with the flat of her boot, making sure to dig her heel into his nose.

Elyza wasn’t going to deny the sadistic satisfaction she garnered from hearing his cries and the sick crunching of his face.

Considering Wankstain was literally a second away from hacking into her, did she regret prior actions? Nah, not at all, though she wasn’t entirely sure how she was going to get out of this one. Carrying on might be difficult when she had an oversized butter knife half-stuck in the side of her neck.

Maybe it was a good thing she wasn’t on her own after all.

The lanky man had the sword raised and Elyza could see it in his eyes the moment he was about to bring it down. Before he could though, an adolescent mess of limbs torpedoed him from the side, and elbowed him right in the ribs and into the wall.

As soon as she realized there was someone standing next to her, she craned her neck to see that Alicia had picked up the shovel and swung it roughly in a sweeping motion.

But the next few moments played out unclearly in Elyza’s mind. She saw Wankstain topple backwards before falling to the floor, but the _sound_ that came before it was all wrong. It should’ve been a dull clang when the metal crashed into his face, but what she heard was a small explosion. As soon as Alicia smacked the guy, her grip released the handle and Elyza had assumed it was because she hadn’t expected the force of the impact to shake her arms so roughly.

But then…

The blonde’s eyes shifted towards Aden, whose eyes were wide with fear, then immediately darted towards Alicia’s. Her face was scrunched up in pain. Too many thoughts flooded Elyza’s mind as her eyes flitted all over her body in the split-second she was allowed.

_What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt? What’s wrong? Alicia... Oh fuck. **Fuck.**_

Blood dripped onto the floor. Her hand was clutching her side. Her legs buckled underneath her.

One more gunshot.

The bullet bursted right past Alicia’s face, grazing the side of her cheek and leaving behind a trail of blood.

Elyza existed outside of time right then.

Panic, anxiety, anger, and fear snowballed inside of her. Her first reaction was to hold the other girl and stop the bleeding. She wasn’t a doctor by any means, but her and her crew got into messy situations before, and they had to handle those themselves. She would find a way. She had before.

_I can’t lose you._

Her blood ran cold when the terrifying realization hit her. It was like water rushing into her lungs, and against her better judgment she kept breathing in, only suffocating herself further.

_You can’t die. ~~And a part of her said, ‘I can’t lose you again.’ It was as real as the nausea churning inside of her, even if it made no sense. Elyza had never lost her before. She had just met her. So why was there a desperation to that statement? I can’t lose you again. Not again.~~_

~~_(I just found you.)_ ~~

And just as abruptly, heat burned with the adrenaline rushing through her veins, and she was dull to anything besides her own rage. ~~Frantic, frenzied rage that masked her indescribable heartbreak. The misery that followed a loss of love so deep could swallow universes from the inside out. It did. It has. It always would.~~

Whipping around, Elyza’s dull blue eyes lit up with storms and lightning.

There were three men behind her, the one on the left she recognized as the man she’d marked with her fist, if the lovely shades of purple on his face were any indication. The other two she hadn’t seen at the store. The one in the middle was brandishing the handgun with the smoking barrel, and with the way he postured she assumed was the ringleader.

Elyza’s movements were quick and fluid, smoothly leading from one to the other. She snatched the knife from the floor and threw it at the fucknut in charge. She’d say she was throwing wildly just to hit him, but deep down she wanted to stick it right in his fucking eye.

Fucknut raised his arms reflexively to defend himself, and Elyza reached backwards with her other hand to grab the fallen shovel. The one she recognized as Assface stepped forward with a sledgehammer just as the knife struck its mark and cut into the leader’s arm.

She strode forward and swung the shovel as hard as she could, uncaring if the impact shattered her hands or if the handle splintered in half from the stress.

The heavy strike connected with the side of his head, and the force of the blow pulsed through her body.

It was perfect how Fucknut’s cry of pain and Assface’s deep groan synced up.

The latter dropped to the floor as the leader's grip loosened, and the handgun clacked against the tiles, drawing Elyza and the other man’s attention. ~~He looked like a dipshit. Really had a dipshit vibe about him.~~ They looked at each other, but the blonde broke the gaze first; she dropped the shovel and hopped over to kick the weapon away, even if it slid her right in front of Dipshit and left her vulnerable.

_Ah, shit._

He towered over her, no doubt about to brain her with the-- _what the fuck, was that a mace? Where the fuck did someone find a mace?_ _This shit’s not skewed at all. Here I am, the jackass with a crowbar and baseball bat and these shit-turds have swords and maces. Fuck, man._

On the awesome scale, getting crushed in the skull by a mace probably rated an eight out of ten. The fact that it was to Dipshit dropped the score by nine, and now she was at a negative one for dying with style.

_What happened to being fucked to death by a sexy lady? Or sacrificing yourself to ward off thousands of walkers and getting a theme song?_

_**Choking on a Twinkie would be better than this.** _

~~Fuck, she never got to kiss Alicia’s soft lips. They _looked_ soft anyway. How did she do that? Did homegirl have chapstick? Not that it mattered, because she was never going to know. That shit got her heated.~~

At least dying with thoughts of Alicia softened the blow of having a lame death.

But so did not dying at all.

“ _Elyza!”_ Aden yelled, coming in once more with the clutch saves. The oversized butter knife whooshed right above her and speared Dipshit right in the chest. He stumbled backwards in shock, eventually dropping the mace and toppling over.

And that left just one more. Fucknut had pulled out the knife and gripped it tightly, slamming it down into Elyza’s hand and grabbed the collar of her shirt.

She grit her teeth and choked back a cry. A dig would be more appropriate in this situation.

“Now you’re stealing my moves?”

It was a damn good thing her adrenaline, or at least her anger, was boundless right now and looking right into Fucknut’s frenzied, manic eyes only made it grow.

_This was the guy who kidnapped us and who the fuck knows how many other people. This was the guy who shot Alicia. This was the guy who killed Aden’s family._

“I am going to chain you up in a field of walkers so you can die slowly and painfully. I could trade off your friends like I intended, but _fuck that._ I’m going to keep them and I will make them _regret every living moment from here on--”_

Elyza punched him. Still running on adrenaline and impulsive decisions, she freed her other hand and tossed the knife aside. Completely ignoring the burning pain, she curled up her bleeding hand and punched him again.

_~~Fuckmothershitfuckthathurt.~~ _

Fucknut stumbled backwards and she reached for the gun that was an arm's length away, gripping it tightly and swung once more at his face, knocking him back even further. She kneed him roughly in the jaw and stepped on his chest, effectively laying him flat on his back as she pointed the barrel at his face.

“Sorry. What were you gonna say?” Elyza asked neutrally, a dead look in her eyes. His, on the other hand, were wide with fear, and his entire body was shaking.

There was a clear shift in power, and neither of them knew what was going to happen next.

 

* * *

 

_The area around them was littered with slain walkers. The smell of grass and the crisp night air was tainted with rot._

_Most of them made it out alright. The girl was back with her parents, though a little worse for the wear. The youngest was another teenager like Elyza who had been going solo until this group. She was the one the blonde trusted the most, actually._

_She was standing beside the other woman in the group, an arm resting around her shoulders as consolation. The young woman had been traveling with her boyfriend, and they were a nice enough couple in their mid-twenties. But the guy had gotten caught up in Pete’s terrible, paranoid fucking plans to off the family to save resources and look at him now. His girlfriend was crying over his corpse, blood on her hands and a bullet in his head._

_And Pete?_

_Fuck that guy._

_Elyza stood over him, her eyes glazed over. She was unsympathetic towards his pain and fear. She’d relinquished him of the gun he did not deserve, and he now sat against the trunk of a tree, shaking and crying._

_“P...please. Just… end it. Please, don’t let this… don’t let me…”_

_His hand clutched the bloody, mauled mess that was his arm. Courtesy of the walkers that **he** had drawn to them. _

_Did a man who held a child at gunpoint deserve mercy? A man who wanted to sacrifice innocents for his own well-being? And why was she the one who was burdened with this decision? Fuck. There were **actual adults here.**_

_With all the crazy shit she’d been through the past few years, Elyza had forgotten that by pre-apocalypse standards--which had only been a few weeks ago--she was still a kid._

_And now she had to decide whether to let this genuinely awful person suffer a horrific death, or spare him and kill him herself? She’d like to believe that either way it didn’t matter, his blood was on her hands. But that wasn’t true at all, was it?_

_If she offered him mercy, there would be blood on her hands but nothing on her conscience. But if she let him rot here, slowly and painfully dying, she would be enacting justice. Or so she’d like to think. ~~But she knew it was to sate her selfish anger.~~_

~~~~_Elyza was by no means a saint, far from it, considering that her main means of income was through stealing. But they justified it by only stealing from those who were jackasses. The whole Robin Hood gig was lame and cheesy as fuck, but it gave broken young adults some kind of hope that maybe they weren’t as awful as everyone said they were._

_Deciding who “deserved” to be stolen from was arbitrary, but if they thought about the morality of it too deeply, it would drive them crazy. Who gave a fuck anyway? It was just some stupid cars from rich assholes who could always buy more._

_But deciding who suffered and who didn’t suffer was not something so easily determined by monetary value._

_“I...I’m sorry… please don’t let me turn into one, please…” He pleaded._

_Was Elyza above her anger and bitterness?_

_She liked to think she had a conscience. That she was a good person. That’s how she’d ended up with this group. She found them in a tough situation and helped them out. Might as well give ‘em a break, right? Everyone was going through hard times right now._

_So if genuinely good people were suffering, what exempted the selfish ones from the same?_

_The world was an unfair shithole before, and it still is. The only difference was she could do things her way now. Maybe that’s why, despite the adults here, she was the one playing judgment. Because for whatever reason, through whatever circumstances life had put her through, she came out as the type of person who could get blood on her hands and move on._

_Maybe she was as awful and broken as people thought she was. Maybe that’s why a world like this was perfect for her._

_An awful and broken person for an awful and broken world._

_Maybe she just needed to accept that._

_Elyza clicked the safeties on the two guns she held and stowed them away. She kneeled down and intensely met his wide, watery eyes._

_“You better use whatever time you got left wisely.” She continued on, unwavered by the sudden realization and dread that came over his face. “Doesn’t matter to me. You can think about what makes you happy so you can pass on with as much peace as possible. Or you can look back and reflect on what brought you to this shitty moment, so you can do better next time. If there is a next time. Or you can hate me. Like I said, it doesn’t matter to me. Was fun while it lasted, Pete. See ya, mate.”_

_She stood up and walked away, ignoring his begging screams and pleads, uncertain if the weight in her stomach was angry satisfaction or sick guilt._

_Maybe it was both._

 

* * *

 

“Elyza…” A soft voice rasped from behind her, and a heavy hand fell on her shoulder. She glanced towards the side and saw Alicia, who’d dragged herself over despite the undoubtedly burning pain in her side. Her eyes were tired and she was drenched in sweat. “Let’s get our stuff and go.” She winced and clutched her side tighter.

“Alicia--” The blonde wanted to hold her forever, knowing she was safe, but she couldn’t budge her hands pointing the gun at the man.

“I’m fine…” She breathed heavily. “Come on. Just… let’s leave.”

“I. I can’t.” Alicia had shattered Elyza’s resolve, and her hard eyes were filling with doubt. “I need to end this, okay? Or other people are going to suffer. I am the one who can do this.” _I am the one with blood on my hands. No one else needs to be that person. No one else should be that person._

“You don’t know that.” She swayed ever-so-slightly and was half-leaning on the blonde. “The world is shit but you don’t need to kill anyone. We… we don’t get to decide who lives or dies... Y...you’re not that kind of person, Elyza.”

_Yes I am._

“Please… let’s just… go.” The other girl’s hands trailed towards her own, covering and holding them gently, guiding her arms downwards. “Okay? Let’s just move on…” Her breath caught in her throat as she choked back a cry of pain.

“ _Alicia--!_ ” This time Aden had rushed to her side and kept her steady.

“I got you…” He murmured. Looking towards Elyza, he nodded slightly. “I got her… Come on, I think our stuff is up here…” He guided her away from the scene and towards the stairs. “Maybe we can find some first-aid stuff.”

The blonde watched them leave her sight, before she turned her attention back to Fucknut, who had the good sense to keep quiet.

Her eyes grew icy once more.

“It would be so easy to just stick a bullet in your head and walk away from this. But maybe people do deserve second chances. So here’s your second chance.” Elyza moved her weight off his chest, and relief flooded his eyes.

Not so fast.

She unloaded a bullet into his knee, and he screamed in pain. She kneeled down and grabbed his collar. “Don’t waste it. I better not see you again, because there sure as fuck are no third chances, Fucknut.” Before he could respond, she pistol-whipped him and knocked him unconscious.

Elyza finally relaxed a little, eyeing the carnage that’d taken place in the lobby and mailroom of the small, apartment building.

 _Fuck_ , she wasn’t sure if she hoped they were dead or alive.

The adrenaline finally drained out of her body, and she wanted to sleep for the next week. Both her hands hurt like hell, and her face was throbbing like a motherfucker. _Almost. We can leave soon._ She dragged herself up the stairs and onto the first floor, slowly and painfully making her way to where she heard the other two.

“Guys?” She entered the apartment at the end of the hall, and on the couch sat Alicia with Aden assessing her wounds.

“Elyza? Is everything okay?” He asked with worry. “Is… is he…”

She shook her head. “Sleepin’. Promise.” _Well. For now. Might die from being shot in the leg._ ~~It was impulsive, she knew that. In retrospect, it wasn’t the best idea, but she meant well-ish, okay?~~ She collapsed onto the couch next to Alicia, dropping the gun and immediately reaching out to hold her hand and squeezing it. “Sorry,” she mumbled. “My hand’s gross. S’got a hole in it.”

The brunette huffed a breathy laugh. “I guess it’s okay.” Her words were light, and she continued to sway before resting back against the couch and letting out a pained groan.

“Fuck. Alicia?” Elyza immediately sat up, her free hand cradling her cheek.

“M’fine. Hurts like a bitch though,” she mumbled, words slurring.

“It… I don’t think the bullet is still inside her, at least?” Aden offered quietly.

“Ah… fuck. Fuckfuckfuckingshitfuckfuckdicks.” She stood up and motioned wildly with a hand as she struggled to find the words. “Lay her down. Put pressure on the wound. I’m. I’m gonna go get shit… Fucking shit _God._ ” She mumbled frantically as she searched the home for blankets, water, bandages-- _anything._ Luckily enough, this seemed to be where Fucknut Inc. was staying, so there were all the basic supplies they needed. ~~And would take with them later, because fuck these guys.~~

She went back towards the couch and laid all the stuff on the coffee table in front. “Alright. Alrightalrightalright. Fuckshit _fuck._ ”

“A-are you okay?” Aden asked, both his hands pressed into Alicia’s side.

“A-okay, buddy. Here, let me handle this. I got this. I do.” Elyza kneeled down and made the awful decision of looking at anything but the other girl’s wound.

Alicia was pale and sweating, and her breaths were deep and shaky. Incoherent murmurs of pain left her mouth, and her closed eyes squeezed and relaxed every so often.

_There she was, just laying on the bed. She could practically see the life seeping out of her body. She denied it with every fiber of her being, but it was the inevitable truth that she was not for much longer in this world._

_The claws of reality squeezed her heart and dug deep, slicing into each and every nerve._

Her mind was hazy, and _those thoughts_ were so strong right at that moment. They used to just be dreams, and now she couldn’t tell if they were or weren’t real. _Great._ Perfect time to try to keep her partner alive, when her brain was going all fuck-y on her.

“H...hey.” Elyza whispered, her voice thick and her eyes burning. “Alicia? You with me?”

A small whimper of acknowledgement.

“You better not fucking die, okay?” _Okay, just start working. You can do this. You know how to deal with gunshots, sort of. We got shot at before. It’s fine. This is fine._ ~~Ignoring the fact that even if her band of misfits couldn’t go to a legit hospital, they knew _people._ Right now they were alone.~~ “Remember what we talked about earlier? Remember your dreams?”

Her hands worked automatically, and her entire body was numb except for the wrenching pain in her chest.

“It’d be pretty fucked up of you to do that to me, right? Shit would _not_ be funny.” Elyza knew she was rambling. Her words, her hands, her entire being was shaking right then. She was so tired, she wasn't sure if she could feel anymore and yet... The grief was overwhelming and choked her. It was like she existed out of this moment. She just… she couldn’t acknowledge that this was real.

_That Alicia was dying in front of her._

Her hands stopped and curled into tight fists, her fingers digging into her palms. She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut.

“...Elyza?” Aden asked carefully.

She shook her head.

“Alicia… You can’t die, okay?” The words were painful to push out. “I… God I’m going to sound crazy, I don’t care. I don’t. I just want you to be okay. Please don’t leave me,” she shuddered and sobbed. Elyza’s hands wrapped around the brunette’s and she rested her head against them. “I can’t… I can’t go on without you. I don’t know how the fuck I managed before I found you. It seemed so easy, but now it’d be impossible. So, please…”

A heavy hand pressed into her hair, and fingers lazily brushed through the strands.

The blonde looked up, blinking at the other girl through tears.

Her eyes were still closed, but there was a small, forced smile on her face. “You’re right. You can be pretty romantic.”

_Yeah, Elyza had nothing for that._

“Sorry. I shouldn’t make fun of you.” Her words were weak and light, but there was a slight teasing tone to them. “Blood loss… not so good with words… ‘lyza, m’not going anywhere. Literally right here. Right where you are. Where I’ll always be… with you. Can’t kill me that easily. ‘sides, you owe me a date, ‘member?”

The blonde smiled weakly. “Yeah. To a Mexican restaurant?”

“Mmhmm. You’re not a liar, are’y?”

“‘Course not.” Elyza pressed Alicia’s hand to her face.

“Good. ‘cause I’m still alive. Gonna be for a while. Just make sure I don’t bleed out, ‘kay?”

“I got you, partner.”

 

* * *

 

After Elyza finished treating Alicia’s wounds, she spent the next stretch of time watching her affectionately.

Aden had headed out of the apartment to give them some privacy, as well as check to make sure none of the men downstairs were dead and turning, or trying to do some sneaky shit. He said he’d yell if anything was off, and so far it was still quiet, so she could hope…

She stroked her cheek gently with her good, or at least whole ~~heh w _hole_~~ hand. Even if her knuckles were swollen, it was nowhere near as painful to move. She’d given Alicia some painkillers, and her breathing had evened out, thankfully.

They couldn’t stay here for long. This place was sketch as fuck, and they didn’t know if Fucknut Inc. had any buddies that would check up on them if they were MIA too long. But for now, just for a little bit, they could rest. The great news was that being shot could’ve definitely gone way worse. Nothing important got hit, so they didn’t have to worry about damaged organs or arteries. _~~And how the person most likely to know what the fuck to do was the one that got shot and whose fate rested in the hands of the fourteen year-old and the high school drop out.~~_

They had the whole healing process ahead to worry about, like making sure the wound didn’t get infected… but for now, she just wanted to relish in this one victory.

_Fuck it._

Elyza could not rein in her gay urges, and as much as it stung, she ran her _hole_ hand (it was bandaged now, totally safe and not gross) through Alicia’s hair.

Seeing the other girl’s relaxed, sleeping face filled her with much needed joy and lightness after the shitty day they’d had.

She was just so _good_. The opposite of Elyza. Not broken and awful.

And she wanted to protect that as much as she could.

There were some things she wouldn’t be able to keep her from in this kind of world--today was a perfect example of that. But even then, Alicia didn’t let her pull the trigger, despite how much these assholes deserved it.

One day the girl she loved was going to be even more of a badass than she already was, ~~yes, Elyza absolutely remembered that baller as fuck knife throw~~ and she was going to be some kind of post-apocalyptic warrior hero or some shit. ~~Wait, why did that sound vaguely familiar?~~

But even then, Elyza wanted to ease her into it. They were all just kids, and she didn’t want that taken from them anymore than it already has. She was a whole other thing, but Alicia and Aden…

She was protective, alright?

Elyza leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead. ~~Ow, fuck. Right. She’d been punched by a fist as big as her entire face. Worth it. In fact, she was gonna do it again because she was feeling sappy. Also because Alicia would make a big deal out of it if she was awake and call her a nerd or something.~~

 ~~~~Thud.

She looked up towards the open doorway, her nerves on high alert once again. She waited for the next few seconds to slowly creep by.

Silence.

_Fuck, man. Why can’t I just be gay in peace?_

Elyza sighed heavily and hefted herself up onto her feet, only pulling her hand away when she squeezed Alicia’s.

“Aden? You alright out there?” She carefully headed towards the door. “Aden?”

When she was a foot away from the threshold, a figure sidestepped into view.

_Great._

“Hey, Fucknut,” she muttered. Before her was an incredibly disheveled looking man who was leaning heavily onto his right leg. He held onto Aden tightly, with a knife pressed to his neck. The boy tried to steel his gaze, but there was a slight wobble from his fear.

“I cannot _wait_ to kill you slowly,” he rasped breathily.

“Really? Should it be slowly? Because I think I might outlive you if--”

He applied pressure to the knife and nicked Aden’s skin, drawing blood. “ _Please_ shut the fuck up.”

“Wow, you _really are a fucknut._ ”

 _Shit._ What was she supposed to do? He could cut right into the kid in an instant. She was weaponless, not to mention _tired as fuck._

“What do you fucking want?” she sighed. Elyza wasn’t giving up, she was just so over _this shitty fucking day._ ~~This was worse than the day she’d woken up in Portland after a one night stand and all her shit was missing. No, she has never lived in Portland, or anywhere near Oregon.~~ She was going to take the longest nap after this. Maybe they’d camp out in a bank vault next.

“To make you bleed,” he seethed.

“Whoa, hey. Mission accomplished, I am literally bleeding right now.” She held up her hands. “Look, my hand is all fucked up. Congrats. You win. Can we go now?”

The man didn’t respond with words. Instead he pulled the blade away from Aden’s neck, still managing to cut him slightly, and roughly shoved the knife into his shoulder, twisting and turning it as he did so.

The young man let out a pained cry and grit his teeth.

“ _Fuck--_ what do you _want_ , man? Let him _go._ ” Elyza narrowed her eyes, hoping to disguise her panic. _Stop hurting him. He’s just a fucking kid._

“Give me your hand,” he sneered toothily.

 _Dick._ “I’m going to guess you want this one, huh?” she deadpanned, extending her wounded palm upwards.

Fucknut stepped forward, shoving Aden to the side by jerking him with the knife, and snatched her hand roughly.

It was everything she could do to bite back the hiss of pain and keep her face completely blank. Judging by the sick glint in his eyes though, it was not as much of a success as she would’ve liked.

For a guy who was bleeding to death, he had an unfortunately strong grip and applied a crushing pressure that threatened to break her bones. He dug the tip of his fingers into her cut, and yanked her closer.

 _Fuck_ that shit was going to bruise. Elyza glared up at him, focusing the throbbing, burning pain into anger.

“I am going to break you to pieces myself. _Then_ I’m going to feed you to the walkers. You like to play hero? I am going to make this little insufferable asshole--” He twisted the knife once more, pulling a quiet whimper from Aden. “--wish he was dead. And that other, half-dead piece of shit…” Fucknut’s words were harsh, guttural noises that he blew out with labored breaths. “...will join the corpses that are going to rip your flesh to pieces.”

“You _fucking_ \--”

Both his hands moved to reapply new pressure to their wounds, and Elyza seethed. He took another step forward and shoved her roughly into the wall past the doorway.

“The world as we knew it is _gone._ ” With each word, his breathy, hoarse words gained in volume as he spoke. “There are no heroes. There are those that die, and those who kill.” He roughly threw her hand to the side and grabbed her neck, his grip tightening and squeezing. His eyes were lit with fury, and he roared his wrathful words. “ _You will die knowing you killed the irrelevant shits you care about.”_

Elyza’s hands automatically moved to pull his away from her neck, but they were weakened by pain and suffocation.

_Fuck. Nevermind. This is the shittiest way to die._

Her waking mind was quickly fading. There were two things she was aware of--Aden’s screaming from renewed pain, and her failed attempts to breathe and gasp for air.

_Alicia… fuck. I’m so sorry. I fucked up. I fucked up again._

_Alicia…_

And for the second time that day, Elyza blacked out.

~~If she knew this was going to happen, she definitely would’ve given more forehead kisses.~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i'm so sorry. there is still happy endgame, i promise.
> 
> now where do i start
> 
> ok so, maybe you guys are thinking 'wait, why is it chapter 5/6!?' ok SO. the next chapter can be seen as the end of the first "arc." for the overall story i do have more plans, but what i want to do is pre-write it, and then upload it on a set schedule. mostly b/c i write very slowly and you guys are gonna be waiting a long time in between chaps if i do it one by one. ~~also i try to get it up in a week, fail to write anything for six days, then vomit 7.4k words on the last day what are words anymore~~
> 
> UNFORTUNATELY that does mean a longer wait overall, BUT. i am going to be working on several smaller things as well (all clexa related!!) that will get uploaded during this time. i've written a couple hsau!lexark drabbles and tbh after this depressing shit i want to write more fluffy teenagers being dumb dorks one shots. so there's that!! (i can tell some of you are like 'ok SUUUURE.' i'll prove myself JUST YOU WAIT)
> 
> i feel like i had more to say but maybe i don't. song title's from [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAGlTMboLHY). it's way happier than this chapter was!!
> 
> THX FOR READING GUYS <3 ~~(pls don't hurt me)~~
> 
>  **edit:** I REMEMBER WHAT I WANTED TO SAY please feel free to imagine all the guys that got beat up/killed in this chapter as cishet white bread men b/c that is absolutely what happened.


	6. when the night gets cold we won't be alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alicia and Elyza get some downtime and work some ish out. Shit's kind of emo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omfg you guys i'm so sorry this took forever Q__Q for yous guys still waiting tyvm for your patience <3

Metal cracked against bone solidly. Blood splattered against the pavement, and the sick sound of rotting flesh giving into the rough blow echoed in the dark city devoid of life.

Elyza’s breaths were shallow and quick. She huffed irritably, and swiped at her face with the back of her hand, uncaring if it was sweat or blood rolling down her skin.

She glanced backwards, making sure that nothing was sneaking up behind her. Her hands ached with how tightly she was gripping the battered sword and crowbar, and the injuries she’d sustained earlier didn’t help either. She was pretty sure her hand had stopped bleeding by now. Maybe.

The brief pause was all the rest Elyza allowed herself, and she continued forward, stepping over the walker she’d just slain. It was just one more body that paved the path of corpses littered behind her.

 

* * *

 

_In the swirling darkness of her mind, Elyza was uncertain as to how much time had passed. She was so tired, and it would be so easy to lose herself to it, wrapping it around her like a warm blanket and taking a three month long nap._

_“Aden… It’ll be okay, you’ll be fine…” A hiss of pain._

_“A-alicia… You’re still--” The boy’s words were slow and breathy, and he was interrupted by his own groans. “--You’re still hurt… You’re bleeding again.”_

_“You never even stopped bleeding.” There was a dry humor to her words._

_Oh shit._

_Fucknut._

_Aden._

_**Alicia.** _

_She gasped with a start, her eyes snapping open and her left hand flying to her neck._

_There was nothing there. ~~Her hand still hurt like a sonuvabitch though, damn.~~_

~~~~It took a few moments for her vision to clear up, and she first noticed the body crumpled by her feet. A man in a suit. He was face down with a hole in his head and soaking in a puddle of his own blood; she wasn’t sure if the emotion that was wrenched from her heart was relief or despair.

_“Alicia… Aden…” Elyza croaked, her throat still tight from the grip around it just a few moments earlier. She managed to push herself onto her knees, but was too weak to fully stand up. Every joint in her body cracked under the pressure, and soreness was twisted into her muscles. Automatically she grumbled in pain and surprise, and was immediately washed over with shame for daring to show weakness when the other two were so badly wounded._

_“Elyza?” Hope and lightness carried her name from Alicia’s mouth, and she wasn’t sure if she deserved to be shown such care from the girl that was everything._

_“S’me,” she mumbled, crawling over to the other two. They were both sweating from pain and nervousness; Aden’s eyes were squeezed shut and Alicia’s were…_

_Elyza’s eyes darted to the side, and a few feet away laid a pistol._

That’s three times. Three times today I didn’t protect you.

_Hadn’t she promised to herself ten minutes ago that she’d protect the goodness inside of Alicia? But because of her mistakes, she’d forced her to pull the trigger to save her dumb ass._

_Was it stupid and naive of her to think she could shield her from spilling the blood of another human being?_

_Elyza reflected the current state of the world--desolate and filled with death and desperate people doing whatever they could to survive. Alicia reflected what the world could be-- **should be.** **Something better.** A world where people didn’t hesitate to help each other, where no one had to die for selfish reasons. _

_Elyza didn’t want that taken away from her. No one else needed to dirty their hands like she had._

_But even **that** she couldn’t manage. _

_Her eyes flicked back towards Alicia’s green pools, darkened and faded and tired from today’s trials. But even as hard as she tried to hide it, Elyza was able to dive right in and immediately drowned in guilt. Her own guilt, and Alicia’s._

_She reached for one Alicia’s shaking hands and squeezed it._

I’m so sorry.

 

* * *

 

The baseball bat clanged loudly against the sidewalk as Elyza repeatedly bashed in the already fallen walker’s skull, mashing it into an indescribably disgusting and bloodied pulp.

They needed a new place to stay, so she put it upon herself to search and explore, even if her only illumination was from moonlight.

She needed time alone. She needed air.

Most of all though, Elyza really wanted to channel her frustrations by destroying some motherfucking walkers.

Her shoulders hefted with each deep, gasping breath. Her deep blue eyes stared emotionlessly at her handiwork.

_I fucked up._

 

* * *

 

_“Stay here.”_

_“It’s dark out, we should all just stay here for the night--”_

_“We don’t know if there are people working with them. We don’t know if there are people looking for them right now. It’s dangerous to be here,” there was a barely contained irritation in Elyza’s words, and she wished she could hold it back, especially when Alicia’s eyes fell and the usually fired up and curt girl hesitated._

It’s not you. It’s never you.

_“I’m finding us a new place before then. For now, don’t leave. You and Aden get what rest you can. I’ll be back.”_

_Alicia just looked at her sadly with words on her tongue that she was afraid to speak, and Elyza couldn’t meet her eyes without falling apart._

_So she left._

_Elyza was thankful the bodies downstairs were still there, and she made sure they stayed that way._

 

* * *

 

When Elyza saw it, she’d been wandering down an alleyway with her arms hanging by her side. The sword and the bat scraped noisily against the concrete as she dragged them behind her. Thinking back, she wasn’t sure why she hadn’t recognized it sooner.

Maybe she was too busy sloshing through her inner turmoil and angsty, emo kid thoughts.

But when Elyza was about twenty feet away, her focus was broken and quickly drawn forward by the sound of a constant, motorized whirring and overlapping hisses and grunts from a crowd of walkers.

_Oh shit._

The corpses were dawdling around a running backup generator, and as soon as they heard her approaching, changed direction to shamble towards her. Luckily the pathway was narrow enough that they couldn’t crowd around and overwhelm her; instead, they lined themselves up to be executed.

She thrust the sword through the first one’s skull and kicked its limp body backwards. It toppled over and impeded the progress of the ones behind it. Taking advantage of the delay, she stepped forward onto the fallen creature and swung downwards with the crowbar, the hooked end cracking through the head of the second one.

Was it worrying this had become so routine for her?

Elyza could be reckless at times, but she never did anything she didn’t think she could handle. It was always necessary to keep your wits about you in a dangerous world like this, but as gruesome and gross as these reanimated corpses were, they were slow moving and simple minded. She’d already killed so many, and it’d never really bothered her that they used to be _actual people._

Maybe the first few times she had been, when they just started rising, but she quickly got over her reservations considering they were trying to eat her face in a totally-not-sexy way.

But now it was a menial necessity. Something you needed to handle with care, but couldn’t avoid. That’s what Elyza told herself, anyway.

But maybe there was uneasiness that rooted itself inside her heart, quietly whispering doubts in her mind.

_Should you really be so fine with killing these things? Are you sure it doesn’t just prove how messed up you are? How messed up you’ve always been?_

Fuck, man. Her brain was such an asshole.

Her grip on the weapons grew tighter and she swung harder and harder each time, determined to push forward and trudge through these corpses.

_Maybe I am messed up. Or maybe there’s no maybe about it. But I’m going to do what I need to to survive. To protect the others. To protect Alicia._

Even if she already fucked up that last part. Elyza wasn’t sure how she’d ever be able to make it up to her.

Her boots were sticky with blood and rotting flesh ~~this shit was so gross goddamn it~~ as she stepped back onto the pavement and approached the generator that hummed louder and louder the closer she got.

_No fucking way._

She was already panting from exertion and adrenaline, but even then the idea of being lucky enough to stumble on this find constricted her chest, and she wasn’t sure if she was getting enough air.

Elyza’s eyes quickly darted around to make sure there were no more walkers and strode over to the back door, giving the knob a jiggle. Locked. Of course.

Usually she’d approach this type of situation with more finesse, but it’d been a long day and she was eager to get back to the others so they could bounce and stay somewhere safe.

Also maybe Elyza was still eager to break stuff.

With one swift movement she smashed the handle with the crowbar and it clattered onto the floor. She glanced backwards once more cautiously, but when it didn’t seem like that had attracted any walkers, she kicked the door roughly. It gave in under the force and swung open slowly.

Carefully, Elyza crept in, her weapons raised. The lights flickered on automatically, and she was in some kind of storage room with all kinds of shit boxed up and untouched.

“Oh, fuck,” she whispered in awe.

_Were they finally getting a break?_

God, whatever this place was, she hoped there was a washing machine.

 

* * *

 

This was probably the most bored Alicia had been since the world ended. The most alarming thing about that?

She had no idea if that was a good or bad thing.

It’d been a few days since shit took a turn for the worst and they were almost… Fuck, _she wasn’t even sure._ Were those guys trying to sell them off for labor? From Aden’s situation, it sounded like they were gathering people up and just shipping them around for _whatever_ they were trying to do.

Had that been what happened to her family?

Well, whatever they had originally planned for them didn’t seem like it was going to pan through based on all the very specific death threats that guy made towards them. Real swell guy, she was super glad they got to meet.

Elyza had went and found them a safe place to stay, and they’d taken the last three days to decompress and lick their wounds. Which was nice considering they’d been beaten, stabbed and also shot at repeatedly.

Okay, yeah, maybe it was a good thing she was bored. Boredom was definitely preferable over being shot. Again.

They were staying at some kind of office/apartment building that was just _miraculously_ completely empty of any walkers--or at least the uh. ...Alive? ones. The dead ones were probably behind the closed doors she’d tried to open before Elyza flipped out and told her to leave them alone and go rest somewhere safe.

Sigh.

Alicia was currently sitting on a bed with a napping Aden resting on her right shoulder. The back of her head thunked against the wall as she stared at the ceiling with glazed eyes.

_Elyza._

 

* * *

 

_“Alicia, you should sit down,” Aden advised breathily. The pain in his shoulder subsided and he wasn’t pouring sweat anymore, but was still a little pale. “You need to rest.”_

_She said nothing as she paced in front of the couch. With each step the left side of her body burned, and pain pulsed around it. But she couldn’t keep still._

What was taking Elyza so long?

_“She’s fine. She’ll be back soon.” There was an underlying pleading tone to his reassurances, but Alicia shook her head._

_“Just close your eyes and sleep. I’ll wake you up when we get going.” She winced and sucked in a deep breath when the wound throbbed especially painfully._

_“Alicia…” Aden sat up waveringly from where he’d been lying on the side of the couch. “Please?”_

_Her stubbornness lasted for a moment longer, but between his sad eyes and how drained she was, she finally gave in and slowly fell back onto the seat._

_He smiled weakly. “Thank you.”_

_“...What’s taking her so long?” she mumbled aloud._

_Silently, Aden edged closer so their bodies were pressed up close, and he wrapped his hand around hers and squeezed it to silently comfort her._

_The past several days had already been so strange, but she was so tired she didn’t question it anymore. It didn’t worry her why this boy they’d just met calmed her spirit, or why she was desperately protective of him. Like with Elyza, something had just clicked instantly. It was bizarre, and if things were “normal” like they used to be, maybe it’d even be scary. But right now in this new world, she didn’t care._

_It was just nice not to be alone._

_“Get some rest. You were hurt pretty badly,” Alicia murmured._

_“You were shot,” Aden quickly responded with a wry smile._

_She shrugged. “Hurts, but s’fine.”_

_“Think you might be a little delirious from blood loss.”_

_“Pretty sure I’m the older one here, so you have to listen to me.”_

_Aden frowned at her, his face scrunched up discontentedly. “That doesn’t work now.”_

_“Does that mean you’re gonna fight me on it?” Alicia smirked._

_“...No,” he grumbled. “What would I even do? Push you down and force you to rest?”_

_“I’ve known you for maybe five hours, but you don’t seem like the type of kid to do that.”_

_“You were shot. That’d be mean.”_

_Alicia chuckled and ruffled his hair; he tried to hide his grin when he whined for her to stop. He squirmed under her grip but limited his movement so neither of them would re-open their wounds. Both of them were still weak from their injuries and exhausted enough to sleep for a week straight. Eventually Aden drifted off, and Alicia fought to stay awake, refusing to sleep until Elyza came back._

_Sitting down only made it more difficult to keep upright; her eyes unfocused several times and she almost lost her grip on her consciousness._

_But when the door creaked open, Alicia sat up straighter, the fog of fatigue disappearing instantly. “Elyza?” she called out, her voice cracking._

_The door nudged open further and as soon as she saw the strands of blonde hair, Alicia’s immediately wanted to jump over and give her a hug, though refrained. She wasn’t sure her body would cooperate, not to mention she’d end up throwing Aden onto the floor._

_Alicia wasn’t sure how it was possible, but Elyza looked even more tired than when she’d left. She and her weapons were covered in blood, and she leaned against the doorframe, her shoulders lifting slightly with each breath._

_As hard as she searched and watched her, the blonde’s dazed, stormy blue eyes never seemed to meet hers._

_“Elyza?” she repeated once more, quieter than the first time._

_“S’me.”_

_Alicia held out her hand stubbornly, refusing to withdraw it despite her hesitation to leave the entryway. “Elyza.” She said firmly._

_She squeezed her tired eyes shut and turned slightly, as if she was afraid of Alicia’s gaze upon her. But after a long sigh, she trudged over, her weapons slipping out of her grip, clattering onto the floor and she fell to her knees besides the couch, her hands clasping around Alicia’s._

_Alicia ran her thumb over the back of one of her hands, her jaw clenching and unclenching as she searched the words to soothe Elyza. She buried her face in their hands, and her skin was cold from the night air. Though Alicia wasn’t sure if that was the true cause of her trembling._

_“It’s… it’s okay. It will be okay,” she whispered._

_Elyza shook her head ever so slightly, but said nothing._

_As small as the action was, discouragement mixed with her fatigue and settled within her. It had to be okay, right? It **was** okay. That’s what Alicia repeated to herself over and over again._

_The quiet moment dragged on, and she found some comfort in Elyza’s steady breaths._

_Eventually, she spoke up, though she didn’t look up from their hands. “I found a place for us to stay. It’s got a backup generator, though I don’t know how much longer it’ll last. Might as well take advantage of it while it’s up. We should go as soon as possible. Now, if we can. If you’re okay.” Her words cracked at the end._

_Alicia simply nodded, even if Elyza couldn’t see it. For some reason, she couldn’t find her voice right then._

 

* * *

 

They had barely come across the other since they’d settle into their current safe haven. No doubt about it, for whatever reason, Elyza was avoiding her and as much as she wanted to say it pissed her off (which it kind of did), she was mostly confused ~~and sad, like a kicked puppy~~.

A week. They had known each other a _week_ and Alicia was… whipped? Was that even the right word considering they weren’t dating?? Not that she wanted to. They were platonic, really. Friends. Gals bein’ pals.

(No, she couldn’t even convince herself.)

Regardless, she _needed_ to know what was going on in Elyza’s head. Something was _wrong,_ and she had to fix it. Clearly there was some kind of discussion they were toeing around--though Alicia wasn’t entirely sure _how_ to approach it. ~~Just sayin’, at least if they were dating, she could employ the power of kisses to help.~~

Alright, now or never right? ~~That was a lie, she had just finally gotten to the point where it was unbearable to be without Elyza’s company anymore.~~

Sighing to herself, Alicia slid off the bed slowly, carefully lowering Aden down so he could rest undisturbed. She smiled warmly at his peaceful face and ran fingers through his soft hair before pulling away and stepping quietly out the door.

Instead of all three of them sharing a spacious apartment together, Elyza had opted to mope around in her own living space down the hallway, because apparently she needed the entire two thousand square feet to house her angst. ~~You can’t prove Alicia’s bitter, you have no proof.~~

She kept her footsteps as silent as possible, partially so Elyza couldn’t hear her coming, but also because it almost seemed _taboo_ to break the stillness that enveloped the entire building.

They all left their doors unlocked, which was probably not the smartest thing to do, but if anyone decided to bust in and kidnap them, they would hear them coming. Besides, what was one door going to do anyway?

Alicia slipped in and poked her head around the corner. She immediately spotted her mark sitting on the floor of the living room with a bottle of _something_ beside her as she stared towards the outside through the glass balcony.

Elyza would’ve heard her by now, so she abandoned all pretenses of sneaking around. Instead she strode over, and sat down with six inches spaced between them. _~~God, she wanted to be closer. This was wrong. Were they fighting? Why were they fighting?~~_

~~_I miss you._ ~~

The silence was suffocating. Alicia attempted to distract herself from it by looking outside, but it mostly disturbed her how peaceful it was, or rather how quickly her brain had connoted an empty city block with only a handful of undead meandering about with _peace._

Not moving her eyes from the scene several stories below them, Alicia spoke up quietly, “Can you stop being stupid and tell me what’s wrong?” Several beats of silence passed before she added as an afterthought, “Please?”

Elyza half-scoffed, half-chuckled and took a drink from the bottle of rum and held it towards Alicia. “Well, since you said _please_.”

She frowned. Her hesitation barely lasted a moment before she took it and drank as well, though she only took sips. Maybe being drunk would make this conversation a little easier, but she might also end up saying some stupid shit like, ~~‘I am so sad when you’re not around.’ Or, ‘There are dozens of beds in this building, but we should share anyway.’ But most likely, ‘I love you.’~~

“How’s it healing?” Elyza murmured.

Alicia shrugged. “Good so far. Not dead yet.”

She had meant it as a _joke_ , but when Elyza’s entire body tensed and she looked away, she was quickly scrambling for the words to make amends.

“I--it’s fine. I’m not going to die. I’ve been keeping it clean, so it won’t get infected. ...Elyza?” She reached out, but her hand hovered barely a space away over her shoulder. There was an emotional disconnect between them, and the more time that passed without fixing it, the worse it seemed to get. When they’d met, everything clicked into place. Even if Elyza said dorky or stupid shit, their line of communication was still open. Now Alicia was just so uncertain about what she was supposed to do…

“I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry for everything.” Elyza’s eyes were fixed towards the floor. “I said I’d protect you and I fucked up.”

“T-that wasn’t your fault.” Alicia frowned, her brow furrowed with worry. _Is that what’s been bothering her?_ “What were you supposed to do? Those guys came up out of nowhere and knocked us out--”

Elyza shook her head over and over with her eyes closed and her fingers digging into the carpet. “You almost died…”

She scooted closer and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “But I didn’t. I’m right here, see?” Alicia squeezed her arm and laced their fingers together. “This isn’t like your dreams, or mine. Those… they’re not real,” she said as confidently as possible, though she’s pretty sure they’re both reluctant to believe that. “Is that what’s been bothering you?” she murmured into her blonde hair.

Elyza leaned into her. “I never wanted to put you through that… I told myself I’d protect you from that…”

“It’s _okay_ \--”

“You had to kill someone because of me.”

Alicia’s whole body went taut. The air was caught in her chest and distress was tugging at her stomach. She closed her eyes and her grip on Elyza unknowingly tightened.

 

* * *

 

_She had been asleep when it all happened. Two minutes ago she wouldn’t have thought she was going to kill a guy. She was too tired to get up, and even with the painkillers, her side throbbed. She was only vaguely aware of Elyza’s loving touches, though to be honest maybe she had imagined that._

_Her yelling is what shocked Alicia awake and she sat up, immediately wincing and regretting it. But when her gaze turned towards the noise, she realized she had no time to dwell on her pain._

What’re you sitting there for you idiot? Move. **Move.**

_Everything was hazy and Alicia was barely aware of what she was doing. Her body moved quicker than her panic, and even if her legs threatened to buckle underneath her and even if her wound was burning, she stood and swept up the gun Elyza had dropped on the floor earlier._

_Before she knew it, she was pointing the gun at the man._

_Wasn’t it only earlier that day Elyza had taught her how to shoot? Her sleep addled mind conjured the illusion of her touch brushing against Alicia._

You better pull the trigger if you ever want that again.

_The panic was finally settling in._

_She fired._

_It hit him square in the back of the head, and a moment later his lifeless body toppled over and Elyza’s crumpled onto the floor._

_Nothing quite woke you up like murdering a guy._

 

* * *

 

_I killed someone._ Not a walker. Not even someone _turning_ into a walker. It was… it was just a guy. A guy who was a serious douchebag, but still a _human._ Obviously it was in self-defense, but she’d ended someone’s life with a pull of a trigger.

It had been so easy.

Alicia curled against Elyza even closer, but this time it was for her own comfort. “It’s… it’s fine…”

“No it’s not,” she insisted. “I don’t… You shouldn’t have to. It’s not you. I don’t want you to lose yourself because of the world we live in… I don’t want you to have to shoulder the responsibility of those kinds of decisions.”

She understood where Elyza was coming from. A few weeks ago she’d been living the normal life of a teenager, not fighting tooth and nail for survival. And yet, there was a part of Alicia that just wanted to reassure her. _It’s fine. I’m used to it._

Wait, used to _what?_

Surviving? Danger? Killing one to save another?

A small voice inside her echoed back:

_Yes._

_Alicia would do anything to save Elyza. It was frightening, the thought that she’d let innocents die if only she could live, but Alicia would do it without hesitation. It was a necessity in this kind of world. You had to be cruel to save the people you loved. Even if that meant killing anything that threatened them or you._

_No. Nononono. **No, that wasn’t right.**_ Alicia didn’t want to kill _anyone. ~~But you have. Hundreds. Thousands.~~_ In that situation, she _had_ to or else Elyza and Aden would’ve died. But that didn’t mean she had to get used to it. She didn’t _want_ to get used to it.

But that _other_ part of her had a point--it was either him or Elyza. What the fuck would she do if she let Elyza die so that asshole could live?

Alicia would be more than glad to bear the guilt if Elyza was alive.

“Alicia? Are you okay? Do you need to lay down?”

Elyza had pulled away; she found herself colder and her limbs heavy. Her hand was pressed into her face and she shook her head. “No… m’fine. Had a moment.”

“Was it… dream stuff?”

“I dunno. Could be the bullet wound and painkillers,” Alicia said wryly.

Elyza didn’t even crack a smile, and she was worried she’d broken her. “...Elyza?”

Her face was scrunched up in some kind of heartbreaking mix of sorrow and guilt and shame. When she spoke, her words were so soft she wasn’t entirely certain Elyza was speaking up.

“...It was just like my dreams. But the person who was shot had a face. And it was you. I was going to lose you the same way. I was going to lose you again.”

Those words should’ve frightened Alicia. It was crazy talk, but maybe that’s why it didn’t scare her. Because every day she wondered if she was losing her mind more and more.

Instead she reached forward for Elyza once more and wrapped her arms around her, unsure if the trembling was coming from Elyza’s quiet sobs and repeated murmurs of, “ _It was going to be my fault again. I can’t lose you again. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe again,”_ or if it was her trying to hold back her own tears.

How could Elyza lose her again if they’d just met? It made no sense, and yet it made _perfect sense_ and grief and anguish suffocated Alicia.

“Hey,” she murmured, her voice cracking. The words came automatically and she didn’t know what they meant, but they were the _right_ thing to say. “Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. I know you tried your hardest like you always do.” Her body wouldn’t stop shuddering.

“I’m sorry I left you. I didn’t want to. I never wanted to. I never wanted you to be alone again… I’m sorry you had to suffer through that. I’m sorry I’m the one who put you in that position.” Alicia’s words crumbled underneath her tears, but she forced the apology out into Elyza’s hair, even if she had to whisper them.

“But you’re not alone anymore. I’m here.”

And neither of them had any idea why, but those last two words broke them down all the way down to their core. To their barest essence, to their strongest emotion. They could do nothing else but cry and release waterfalls of regret that they never even knew existed inside of them.

They were just two girls who loved each other too much in a broken world.

 

* * *

 

“I’m not sorry.” Alicia’s soft words were what broke the silence.

After their breakdown, they’d simply laid on the carpeted floor of the apartment with Elyza’s head resting on Alicia’s chest while her fingers twirled through her blonde strands.

The silence wasn’t suffocating or awkward, and to be honest, Elyza barely noticed it. All she focused on was Alicia’s beating heart and breaths underneath her ear.

“Hm?” she didn’t move her head to look at her. She wasn’t ready to stop listening to the steady rhythm of Alicia’s life. ~~It was like that one time she was all up in her emotions and had Adele on repeat for like, two weeks.~~

“I’m not sorry I shot that guy,” Alicia confessed. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. But he was going to kill you. And I…”

Her trailing words roused Elyza enough that she propped herself onto her elbow and she looked at Alicia with wide eyes.

Clearly she was hesitating as she sat up as well, and her eyes darted to the side. “...can’t get very far without you.”

Oh. Elyza deflated slightly. Well, it wasn’t _not_ a compliment, right? She forced a small grin, but when Alicia looked up, her eyes were furrowed as if she saw right through her faux-positivity.

“N-not that I… fuck,” she sighed into her palm.

Elyza arched a brow at her, and she waited patiently for her to draw out the reluctant and timid words.

“I’m glad you found me.” Alicia’s face flushed slightly, and despite her softening expression, she met and didn’t stray from Elyza’s surprised gaze.

Even as she consciously scrambled for a response, her body moved on its own again and spoke without her complete permission.

“Me too,” Elyza swallowed thickly.

They simply stared into each other’s eyes. She wasn’t sure what Alicia was seeing, but Elyza saw a tired girl forced to grow up too quickly and finally getting some tranquility. It pained her to know she deserved a lifetime of it and that this moment was fleeting, but at the same time she was so grateful _she_ was the one whom Alicia was spending this moment with.

The faintest of smiles pulled at the corners of Alicia’s mouth and it was some mix between her trademark smartass smirk and something softer.

She looked so fragile right then.

Elyza pulled her into a tight, desperate hug, protecting her from the world with her own body. Whatever it took, whatever sacrifices she had to make, she would to ensure Alicia’s safety and well-being. ~~To make sure she doesn’t leave the world of the living too soon. _‘Again,’_ is what her annoying brain kept adding.~~

“I don’t want a world without you,” she whispered, as if saying them aloud will make it happen. This time the words aren’t just coming on their own, but a part of her own self, the one that existed _here_ was speaking them as well. “It’s too lonely. Too painful.”

To Elyza’s surprise, Alicia responded just as quietly, “I can’t imagine a world without you. It doesn’t exist.”

_I love you._

Elyza swallowed the words. “Didn’t you know? I’m the center of the universe.”

“Jackass.” But she could hear the smile in Alicia’s tone.

Elyza pulled away hesitantly, but only slightly so she could see her soft expression. Hair was tucked behind one ear while on the other half, brunette locks partially covered her face. Her own eyes darted around her face, and she saw Alicia’s dazzling greens doing the same.

Her breathing slowed while she absorbed the sight of her lips as she licked her own. But in a moment of unworldly self-control, ~~and also because she saw the slightest hint of Alicia leaning forward as well~~ Elyza pulled her closer into a one-armed hug and kissed the top of her head. ~~Ugh, her hair was so fucking soft and it smelled so nice. Whatever, fuck it. Yes she had some of Alicia’s hair in her mouth, and no she was not going to move away. She could’ve had her naked in less than five minutes, but _noooo_ she was responsible for once and didn’t go for the home run. So, yeah this was Elyza’s consolation prize. Not that any part of Alicia was any less than the other.~~

Alicia made a soft noise, but she wasn’t sure if it was a whimper of contentment, surprise, or unhappiness.

She _did_ know it was cute though.

Elyza relaxed into Alicia when she smothered her face into her shoulder. “...Are you okay, ‘lyza?”

“In general or right now?”

“Both.”

“Mmm. As long as I have you, yeah.”

“You’re such a sap.”

“I told you, I’m a fuckin’ romantic.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Elyza chuckled before her tone grew more serious. “Are _you_ okay?”

“Yeah…” Alicia took in a deep breath and sighed, slumping further into Elyza’s hold. “I just… I want to stay here. And that’s fucked up.”

“Why?”

“My family. I need to find them. But after running into those guys… I don’t even know if they’re alive. What if they’re not? It’d be stupid to leave this place. It’s safe and there’s supplies and food…” _For now._ Even if she didn’t say it, they both heard the hanging words.

“It’s not fucked up. You’re weighing your options. This place is pretty ballin’... And I don’t think your family and friends would want you risking your life if they’re dead and you’re safe. But… it’s up to you. It’s whatever you think is right. There’s no wrong answer.” Elyza nuzzled the top of her head reassuringly. ~~And also because she was stuck on how much she loved her hair. God, what a great day to be gay.~~

Alicia sighed again. “But isn’t there?”

“Nope. Look, you don’t owe anything to anyone. And I know that sounds fucked up since it’s your family, but in a world like this… It’s more important to act in a way where you won’t have regrets, because second chances aren’t guaranteed, especially with how the world is now.” _Yeah, kind of being a hypocrite here._

“I guess so…” Her hands held onto Elyza tighter. “...Can we just stay like this for a while?”

“Of course,” she responded softly, petting Alicia’s hair. “Does Aden know where you’re at?”

“No, but he was asleep. He’ll find us if he needs something.”

“Yeah…”

“What would you do if you were in my situation?” Alicia peered up, vulnerability shining through her eyes.

Elyza shook her head. “I don’t want to sway your opinion.”

“Jerk.” Her face plopped back down.

She laughed. “I just want you to know… just because you need to figure out what you want by yourself doesn’t mean you’re alone. You know whatever you decide, I’m going to be with you every step of the way, right?” Elyza pulled away so their eyes met. So that Alicia could see her sincerity. Her hands squeezed her shoulders.

“...Yeah. I know.” She smiled gently. “Thanks.”

“Thank _you_ for giving me a great view after the world’s ended.” Elyza winked and pointed a finger gun at her.

“Annnd that moment was effectively ruined.” Despite her exasperation, Alicia rested against her once more, her chin on her shoulder and her arms around her torso.

“Besides, without anyone saying anything, we both know what you’re going to pick in the end.” Elyza rested her head atop Alicia’s, her hand still stroking her hair, while the other supported her back.

“Yeah… When did you start knowing me so well?” The words were meant to be teasing, but the answer echoed in their hearts.

_Since always._

“I can read your mind,” Elyza supplied softly. “It’s why I’m so good in bed, I just know what they always want. I’d prove it, but you’re still injured and I don’t want to hurt you. Maybe when you’re better.”

“Oh no, what a missed opportunity.” Alicia deadpanned.

“There’ll be plenty more, no worries.” She grinned.

“Thank God, I was so stressed about when I’d ever get a chance to sleep with you.” Elyza couldn’t see her, but she was pretty certain she was rolling her eyes. She was such a sassy asshole.

That’s one of the things she loved about Alicia. ~~Along with everything else.~~

“I am always accommodating.”

“How sweet,” she mumbled dryly.

“Oh you know, that’s me in a nutshell. So sweet you shouldn’t eat me before--” The rest of Elyza’s words were muffled when Alicia’s hand shot up to silence her.

“Please stop talking.”

“Anything for you, baby.” Or at least that’s what she tried to say with her lips pushed up against Alicia’s palm. Speaking of though…

“Ugghhh,” she groaned. “How did I know you’d lick my hand?” Instead of immediately jerking away, Alicia just sighed and wiped the moisture off on Elyza’s shoulder.

“Because you can also read my mind?” she responded in between giggles.

“I hope not. I think ten minutes of that would more than fill my allowance of weekly sexual innuendo.”

“Hey,” Elyza pouted. “I think about other things…”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

_How much I care about you. I wonder what it’d be like if we met in different circumstances; would I still fall in love with you? Well, it isn’t so much falling--it’s like I already was and I just didn’t know it until I met you. It’s kind of scary because this feels like the setup of every terrible romance in YA novels and I **really** don’t want to be the weirdly, unhealthily possessive romantic interest. Also because I’ve got way more game than some centuries old virginal vampires. _

“Elyza?” Alicia pulled away and quirked an amused brow, though there was a slight, worried furrow. “You didn’t short circuit your brain thinking too hard, did you?” she joked lightly.

“Hm?” Her eyes were dazed as she was still wandering about her thoughts. _Shit, what had I been thinking about?_ _Oh, right._

“You just… looked pensive. Is everything alr--?”

“--You.”

“Huh?” Surprise and confusion lit up Alicia’s face.

“I think about you,” Elyza murmured. “Us. Where we’re going. Where we’ll be.”

She swallowed. “...Where do you want to go?”

“Wherever you want to go. Whether it’s to find your family or stay here…”

“What about your friends in Vegas?”

Elyza shrugged lightly. “I want to know if they’re okay, of course… But they’re there or wherever they are, and I can’t do anything to help them. But you’re right here in front of me. You and Aden are my priority.”

Alicia hummed thoughtfully. “...I think we should stay here a bit longer before we head out again. We can’t waste time, but we aren’t in any shape to defend ourselves right now either.”

“Sounds like a solid plan.” Elyza reassured and smiled.

Alicia sighed and moved to lay on the floor. Her hands were still gripping Elyza’s shirt and she dragged her down with her, and the two lazily flopped onto the carpet.

They said nothing for the following stretch of time, their only movement was them slightly repositioning so they could lay against each other more comfortably.

Elyza wasn’t entirely certain how to define their _relationship._ On the one hand, they were post-apocalyptic besties who had gone through a lot of shit and maybe this closeness was weird for people who had known each other for less than a week, but whatever. Fuck the haters, this was the least weird thing in the world right now. They were friends. Just friends.

Even though she wanted something more, but it was definitely too soon to push for something like that. And maybe not the best time, considering how vulnerable they were all feeling. Elyza was for rebounds and one-night-stands because you were feeling shitty, but she definitely didn’t want that with Alicia. She needed more tact in this kind of situation. She had to take things slowly. ~~Which was shitty since they were in a world where they weren’t guaranteed any more time than they already had.~~

But on the other hand… It was like they were already _there._ They already had that “something more,” and since it was like they both knew that… They knew they _didn’t_ have to rush. There was no pressure. They could just enjoy being in each other’s company and one day they would take it that one step further, but that wasn’t what mattered the most.

Elyza wished she knew more about this mindfuck-y dual life or _whatever the fuck this is_ thing they’re doing. Why the fuck was the internet gone? How was she supposed to find a book about this when she could’ve just Googled it a month ago and pulled up some Yahoo answers post that was totally 100% accurate?

“Where do you see us being in the future?” Alicia whispered against her neck, and she shivered slightly when the warm air brushed against her skin.

Elyza didn’t respond immediately.

_That was a good question._

She’d thought of a few hypothetical situations. Maybe they’d just wander the world for the rest of their lives, doing whatever the fuck they wanted. ~~Like each other, eyyyy.~~ Maybe one day the human race would get its shit together, and civilization would start rebuilding itself and they’d settle down somewhere nice. ~~That was kind of a terrifying thought, but in a good way?~~

And of course, there were all the bad ends--but Elyza didn’t dwell on those. She wanted _happy_ fantasies.

It didn’t matter if they found her friends, or Alicia’s family or if Aden stayed with them the entire way ~~though she hoped he would, they were both fond of him~~ but no matter what they were _together._

Elyza turned to face her and adjusted so that she could press their foreheads together. “Happy. Together. Where we don’t have to worry about the infected, or people trying to sell and or kill us. Maybe some place by a beach? Or somewhere in the woods. Some place peaceful. And there’s internet,” she grinned.

Alicia smiled as well. “That sounds nice,” she murmured. “That’s what we’re working towards, then?”

“Sure. My friends and your family can come along, but we’ll boot ‘em out if they’re being annoying and we need some peace and quiet.”

She laughed breathily and Elyza’s heart did flips. “Perfect. It’s a promise. Wherever we head towards, in the end we’re going to find some place peaceful we can live and worry about nothing else.”

“Yep. Together. I’ll watch your back and you watch mine?”

“Of course. Promise?”

“Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am terrible at balancing irl stuff w/ writing stuff OTL moving/work/friend's wedding/also i'm bad at blocking out time
> 
> i'm still workin on more lexark fluffs (i posted some drabbles on my tumblr and i'm working on one atm b/c 3x16 made me emo for life) 
> 
> also have you guys heard [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4_f_czDFO4) (it's where i got the title from!!) it's like my ultimate clexa/lexark soulmate reincarnation song. electro love songs are my shit.
> 
> i don't have a set date for when i'll post more for this fic, BUT I WILL CHIP AWAY AT IT. i hope you guys enjoyed what i've written so far <3

**Author's Note:**

> yooo hmu at bappykomclarkekru.tumblr.com! i post lil drabbles and stuff there. you should def talk to me and yell about headcanons w/ me. <3
> 
> also comments&kudos are always appreciated, tysm you lovely people!!


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